Posted by Emily on September 20, 1998 at 06:53:17:
In Reply to: Self worth and infidelity posted by Theresa on August 26, 1998 at 14:34:40:
Theresa,
I cried as I read you account of your ordeal. I too have a similar story. My husband and I dated since we were 18 and I finally drug him down the isle at 23. Our first years of marriage were bliss. I was the happiest woman alive. I had always had a weight problem my whole life. "Everyone always told me that I was beautiful BUT I would be prettier if I would lose some weight". From the moment he met me - my husband worshiped me. He constantly told me that I was beautiful, smart, funny, and almost perfect. All his friends and even his own mother told him several times that "I was too good for him". I guess as he increased my self-esteem -- he lessened his own.
I was always so proud of our marriage. I thought I had the perfect life with the perfect husband -- I apsolutely worshiped the ground he walked on. Then my whole life fell apart in 97. I was pregnant with our first child ( a son). We had tried for over a year to get pregnant and had given up. So when the stick turned blue -- we were absolutely shocked. Shock wore off to amazment then shear happiness. I did not think that my life could get any better. It was a perfect pregnancy until my last doctors' visit at 37 weeks. All in about 2 hrs, I went in to see the doctor, she told me there was a problem with the baby and to get to the hospital, I went into labor immediatly, 30 min before I delivered she told me that he was dead.
I remember wishing that my husband would have married someone else so that he would not have had a little dead baby but a beautiful live one. I had our son, we held him, said goodbye. But, I knew the instant that it all happened that there had to be a reason.
We had just moved and had not started going to a church. When we lost our son, we called a minister out of the phone book. I now believe that God sent him to us -- it was no coincedence. He and my husband hit it off like real brothers almost immediately. The pastor seemed to be almost driven to help us -- I believe God guided him. Two weeks after the death of our son, we were at church. The pastor's sermon seemed to be directed straight at my husband. Needless to say after the ending prayer - my husband dragged my out of church and sped home. He wouldn't speak to me in the car and when we got home he collapsed in tears.
He said that he knew the reason that our son was dead. That it was all his fault. I really didn't understand what he was talking about. Then he told me -- he had had affairs. Several before we were married and two while I was pregnant. My whole world turned up-side down that day. I had not only lost my son but now my husband as well. I had spent my whole life thinking that I was not pretty enough to be loved even batteling anorexia and bullemia for years. I thought that I had married the ONE person who saw me as God did. Who would love me and protect me. When he told me -- I just couldn't believe it. I felt like I didn't even know who I married. I felt that our whole relationship was one great big lie. My father had done this to my mother and I had always thought that she was weak because she forgave him and stayed with him ( I thought because of me and my brother). I always told my husband that if he ever cheated on me that I would leave him and he believed me.
He has told me several times that his cheating didn't really have anything to do with me. He would go out get drunk and "end up" in bed with a woman. He had always had a problem with alcohol. His personality takes a turn for the worse when he drinks. But I can't help feeling that I did something. I am a people pleaser too and I have always tried so hard to make life easier for him. I feel like I have totally failed as a wife and a lover. I feel like the ugliest woman alive. I know that I am a "good" person. People have always described me as a "sweet" or "nice" girl. But I am having a real hard time with my self-image now.
I knew that I could not leave my husband. I know that I will love him the rest of my life anyway. He shows the 3 R's and really seems to be giving it a try. He has put it all behind him and I think sometimes he gets impatient with me when I can't. He says that he feels better than he has ever felt. That it is as if a great weight has been lifted off of him. Only now does he truly believe that I love him. He always thought that if I ever found out how he really was that I wouldn't love him anymore.
We were able to get pregnant again and I gave birth to the most beautiful girl in the world. She is my life, my joy, and right now my purpose for living.
I know I shouldn't but I have put myself on the end of my list and put everyone else first. I just don't have time to deal with the pain. It surfaces every now and then and I push it away. I have an especially hard time having sex with my husband. It is very hard for me to get into it. I don't ever seem to want it anymore. He usually has to "beg" and coax me into it. I feel so clumsy and awkward now and I afraid that I don't measure up. He tells me I beautiful -- but now it sounds like false flattery to me. Like he really doesn't mean it. I have faith that God's grace will get me through this but I just really wish that I could at least see the other side. I am trying to make time for myself and until I can cope with everything my little girls smile keeps me going. The one thing that makes me keep trying the most is that I know that if I give up then my son would have given up his life for nothing. And I am not about to let that happen! Thank you for listening and sharing your own stories. It helps me to deal with my own pain. Feel free to write me. I really don't have anyone else to talk to. I think I need it.
God bless
Emily