Re: Self worth and infidelity


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Posted by Doug Showalter on September 25, 1998 at 08:52:11:

In Reply to: Re: Self worth and infidelity posted by Emily on September 20, 1998 at 06:53:17:

Dear Emily,

I am sorry for your pain. I appreciate the help Theresa has offered you in her message.

I think I detect an issue involving Christian belief in your message which causes me some concern. I will comment on it, in case I can be of some help to you.

It appears that you are saying that you and/or your husband believe that your first son died as God's punishment for your husband's affairs and/or as God's "wake-up call" to save your marriage. [I am "reading between the lines" of your message, and perhaps have misunderstood it, in which case you can disregard the following comments, as they would not apply to your situation.]

If you believe either or both of the above, then I would imagine that you [and your husband] have been/are carrying a tremendous burden. What a terrible thought, that a little child would have to die and forfeit all its hopes for earthly life as punishment for someone else's sin or to get a message across to others that their relationship is in trouble. And by extension, how horrible it would be to be the person or persons for whom that little child had to die. Talk about guilt? I think it would be enormous--if one believed these things.

Does God kill little children for the sins of other people or to get a message across to others? Deep in my heart I believe that such views are an unfortunate distortion of the Christian faith and of God's true nature. I simply cannot believe either of these things. For as I John in the New Testament says, our God IS love--not the "grim reaper." Our God is also a god of justice. Yet, how terribly unjust it would be, to make a child suffer for the sins of others. God's son Jesus died ONCE for all our sins. His death is sufficient for all time, and it does not need to be repeated through the deaths of others.

If a Christian minister has led you and/or your husband to believe that God killed your son for your sakes [in one way or another], then I would encourage you to re-examine that belief and ultimately reject it.

Your son's death is tragic, a terrible pain for you both to bear. But if you are also led to believe that you are somehow responsible for his death, in a spiritual way, then your loss is made all the harder to bear. I don't believe that such a belief is either true to God's nature or fair to either one of you.

Such a belief also adds, unnecessarily, to the burden of your present situation, as you try to sort out your feelings about your relationship with your husband.

As hard as it is, I would encourage you to come to terms with your son's death, as one of those tragic things that sometimes happens in our lives. God didn't cause the death. You and your husband are not in any way responsible for the death. But, with God's redeeming power and ability to bring something good out of even the worst situations, you and your husband may be able to learn some meaningful things and find some good which has come out of even this terrible loss in your lives.

If they apply, I hope my words are of some help. I will keep you both in my prayers.

Doug Showalter


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