Posted by Emily on September 26, 1998 at 07:08:34:
In Reply to: Re: Self worth and infidelity posted by Doug Showalter on September 25, 1998 at 08:52:11:
Doug,
I don't see God as an avenger at all. Let me see if I can explain how I see the situation. To me God's love and protection are something like an umbrella. It will protect us from the wind and the downpours in life. My husband and I stepped out from under that umbrella and got drenched. We are learning so much about ourselves and each other. I don't think that God took our son from us to punish us. I think our own mistakes caused that. The autopsy and all the examinations never revealed a cause. It was as if he simply went to sleep 24 hours before I went into labor. It was my husband who claimed that our son's death was his wake up call. It made him realize how precious life really is. For a long time he was equally afraid that something bad would happen to me too. I tried to reasure him that everything would be ok and that it was not his fault. Before this my husband did not really understand or have a sense of guilt. His mother doesn't and never taught him to. He beleived that he was an island unto himself. We believe that God allowed this to happen so that we might become the people and the partners that he would have us to be.
As for my son, I don't believe he was cheated out of life. He will never cry, never know the pains that I would never be able to fix. For you see the destination that you and I a waiting and searching for -- he got right away. From this tragic event - we met a pastor who changed our lives. He did not instruct us that we should feel guilty that our son died, but should learn from it. I can't answer completely for my husband but I no longer feel guilt where my son is concerned -- only love and pride. I may never know the real reason for all of this till I die but I do know this -- I am a better person and a better mommy that I was a year ago. There are things about my personality and the way I live my life and act in my marriage that are totally different. This was what I call a life changing event. An event that God allows to take place in your life to bring you to a higher plain of existence. Its like the light bulb went on in my head (a 1000 watts). I get it now. I don't think that when a child or a mother or a father or anyone dies that it is to punish someone. I believe it is their time. God has chosen that instant for that person to die. And when it happens -- just like a stone thrown into the water the ripples fan out to touch everything near it.