Posted by Theresa on September 22, 1998 at 14:19:04:
In Reply to: Re: Self worth and infidelity posted by Emily on September 20, 1998 at 06:53:17:
Dear Emily:
It must have been difficult for you to share your
story. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
We've been what we've been through to help others get
through what they're going through. It may seem
rather empty now, but hopefully as time goes by, it
does get easier.
I think it is normal to not want sex after you learn
about an affair. The images/pictures can really do
a number on you and your sex drive. Try to come up
with a method of dealing with the images while you
are waiting for time to heal you. One way I dealt
with the images was this: as soon as the image flashed
into view, I would imagine the image being transferred
to paper and then handing the paper over to God--placeing
it right in his hands, and imagining him walking away with
them.
The self worth/self image thing is a difficult one also.
Are you seeking counseling? If you are a Christian, I
would strongly advise Christian counseling (your pastor
could recommend one). You know Emily, high self esteem
has everything to do with acceptance. And true acceptance
takes time. I am still working at it. Since I found out
about the affair, whenever I see very attractive women go
by, I cringe and feel so bad sometimes. But you know, there
will always be someone brighter, more attractive, more sexual,
more talented, etc. than you. But that doesn't make you less,
it makes you different. God wired you the way he did, God made
you the way he did for a reason. Think about it this way, if you
were super beautiful and super sexual, you may not have as much
of a reason to search out Christ for personal growth. Think about
it. Love yourself. Appreciate yourself. Be realistic about your
good points (compliment yourself) and bad points (acknowledge them and
then work on them). You are good and decent. Don't forget that.
Also, in Luke 6:27-36 there is a verse that talks about loving those that hurt
you, loving your enemies. And how great your reward will be if you follow
what God wants you to do. Read it Emily and then everyday pray for your
husband. Pray for God to help him remain faithful and strong, pray that
he finds Christ and that he can make Christ more a part of himself and
his family and also pray for your marriage.
Since I found this part of Scripture, I have been praying for him and it
has indeed helped. It has helped me see him for what he is. A fragile human
being with hurts and faults. Doesn't excuse what he did, but it helps to
explain what/why he had the affair. It helps to understand his hurts. I know
my husband was raised in a family that did not "feel". He has been and still
remains somewhat confused as to how one really "opens up" in a relationship.
We were making love not too long ago and I was trying to tell him to stop
what he was doing and he said something like "But you like that". And I
became a little upset and said something (I honestly can't remember the
exact words) and he started apologizing and tears were just pouring down
his face. I know in my head that he is doing the 3 R's but when that happened
I knew in my heart how much he wants things to work between us. He said that
he just wanted to please me and I think he is so caught up in trying to take
away my pain, that he messed up a chance to ease my pain and was so sad. Does
this make any sense? When you can, Emily, begin to serve one another, and make
each other happy. Since I started praying for him, I feel that God is really
giving me the strength to do things for my husband. Before, I felt so angry and
hurt that I did not want to do anything for or with him. And now, it is not so bad.
There are more and more days that are good, rather than bad. Pray Emily. Just
pray pray pray.
I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you and I'm so happy that you have a
little girl. You are blessed. It is wonderful isn't it? I made the mistake of
putting my husband after my kids. Don't do that. Put God first, then your husband,
then you and your kid, then everyone else.
God bless you, write when you can,
Theresa