Posted by Theresa on July 31, 1998 at 22:27:49:
In Reply to: the pain of adultry posted by christine on July 29, 1998 at 20:49:02:
Dear Christine:
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Yes, it is
one of the most awful pains to ever go through. I have also
asked the same question, "How could he do this?" It is a
question that I don't think I can ever understand.
For starters, men can separate emotion from sex. We cannot.
I believe this fact has a lot to do with the "how" of "how
can they do that?"
You said that your counselors indirectly think/say that you
should leave him and begin a new life without him. Why do
your counselors believe this?
Does your husband do the 3 R's? The 3 R's are this: Repentance...
...is he truly sorry for what he did? Responsibility...does he take
full responsibility for what he did? Does he blame you in any way?
Repair....has he taken the time and energy to repair the damage to
you, your family, the marriage?
Christine...what is your life like? Do you work outside the home?
Where do you see yourself in five years? Have a plan for yourself.
Have goals.
What is your self esteem/self worth like? Take time out to be your
best friend. If you won't be good to yourself...no one else will. You
are your only best friend. Pamper yourself. Take candle lit baths...
...alone. Relax with a book. Have your favorite coffee and bagel every
now and then in the morning. Go out and buy a few pieces of clothing that
you look real good in and wear them. Right now, it sounds as if you could
use a little pampering.
Are you a Christian? The only thing that kept me going was prayer. Prayer
prayer prayer. I try to read the bible every morning and I do a devotional
as well. God is there for you. But you have to reach out and want a personal
and real relationship with him. Prayer has led to light bulb type solutions
and a perspective on my problems that I never would have had if I had not turned
to God in prayer. Friends also help. And crying also helps.
Go to the library and check out books that have to
do with affairs, relationships, self-esteem. I read so many
books shortly after I found out and it helps. It helps to
see you are not the only one to go through this kind of stuff
and it helps to know that other people actually do survive and
eventually have joy again in their life. You will too.
You said there are so many triggers. I felt this same way.
One thing that helps tremendously is to turn OFF the TV.
Stay away from movies/videos. And stay away from rock and
roll music stations. It is shocking how much sexual innuendo
is in these types of media. For the most part, I listen to
the oldies (although some of the love songs are depressing)
and to Christian music and talk radio. The triggers lessen
substantially. IF you continue to have triggers, catch your
self right when it starts happening and think of something
positive.
I have known for almost 5 months. And I am doing much much
better than those first 3 months. A lot of my depression had
to do with self esteem/self worth. I've been working a lot on
that and I did what I thought the Lord wanted me to do and things
are a lot better. He has held me up when I could not. He is so
wise and so wonderful .... seek Him out. He is my best counselor.
However, I believe that He speaks through people in our lives as well.
So, hang in there Christine. Answer my questions if you have time
and if they are not too painful. You will be in my prayers.
God bless you,
Theresa