Posted by CK on September 01, 1998 at 19:40:42:
Our relationship is in a state of chaos and confusion from the broken trust and betrayals that have occurred between my husband and I. He has had several affairs throughout the course of our marriage that I only recently found out about (actually 3 yrs ago) He also was very demanding of his sexual needs and often asked me to do things I knew were wrong, but felt I must in order to please him. I constantly felt I wasn't meeting his needs and tryed to over exert myself by becoming proficient in everything else I did. I took full control of our home, yard, maintenance, parenting, family outings, finances, and also worked full time in our business with him. I assumed full responsibity for everything in our relationship to make life "easier" for him and so he would love me more.
Now, I find through counseling, how dysfunctional our relationshipwas and how one becomes a co-dependent of the other. I tried immediate forgiveness and acted as though all would be well, but was grieving internally. I sought the comfort of a close friend, and then discovered he knew more about what my husband had been up to than I. Then the rest of the confessions slowly came leaking out. Again, I tried each time to say thats ok, I can deal with it. But realize now that I can't deal with it and have died inside. I kept trying to fake my way through counseling and healing, knowing that God would ask me to forgive and that I couldn't let he or my family down. I'm a pleaser type person, and try so hard to make everyone happy.
Now, some 3 years later, I'm feeling worse about myself than ever. My husband has changed and is committed to our relationship, but it is I who's not sure I want to ever feel love again. I've slowly pulled away from him and become independent for myself. I cringe when he touches me and feel absolutely no desire to be intimate. But since I feel that's wrong, I give in and try my best. I feel as though I'm dying a slow death inside.
Outside, very few people have a clue. I put on a smile and false fascade and do my duty. I guess much like the biography of Princess Di. I feel devasted at the thought of divorce and what it would do to my family, our business, and all those who have depended on me to get through this. I feel like a total failure and extremely guilty for not being able to release my pain. Now, I feel like the criminal and my husband the saint. I hurt so deeply inside that I can't even share my truth honestly with him because I know it would shatter any hope. I'm so scared and depressed constantly. I escape the pain by working out, gardening, shopping, or just plain keeping busy. I can't seem to move forward. I feel stuck and afraid.
Can you offer any suggestions or hope for my situation. Every time I read about affairs, its usually a one-time instance or not one that deals with abusing boundaries, too. I'm far from perfect and am sure I've contributed to our situation, but really don't know where to turn. I cry out to God and try so hard to remain faithful in his eyes, but even feel at times I've abandoned him. Please help if you can.
Thanks so much.