Posted by Michelle on September 09, 1998 at 10:29:18:
In Reply to: Lost intimacy and betrayal posted by CK on September 01, 1998 at 19:40:42:
Your comments hit home to me in such a strong way...tears rolled down my cheeks as I read your discription of yourself...which happens to be a mirror image of myself. I truly thought I was unique in these feelings, and I found solace in the thought that someone else out there felt as I do, too. I have died inside, and cannot for the life of me figure out how to bring back the joyful feelings life once held. I truly admire the way you "can escape the pain by working out, gardening, and shopping," because I seem to have fallen into a bad cycle of overeating as a means of escape...and I know that doesn't make me feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. :o( I too feel devastated at the thought of divorce, because I know how it will effect my precious children; I indured the pain of my parents divorce 20 years ago and I never wanted my children to go through that trauma.
I always put on my happy face for the world to see as I am weeping inside. I am realizing, through Christian marriage counseling, that throughout our marriage my husband has done many things that hurt me deeply, and I have failed myself and our marriage by not dealing with them properly. I put those things out of my head (or at least way back in a dark corner of my mind) and didn't forgive, just tried to forget. Now, after he finally decides to assume his role as spiritual leader in our family (the role I always carried out) and he has decided to give up drinking and a lot of the other bad things that made our marriage go sour, I feel as you do....like I am the criminal (because I just cannot get over the immense load of bitterness, emptiness, and pain I carry around with me) and he is the saint because he has turned his life over to Christ. Please don't get me wrong, I am very happy he has made this decision, but along with the happiness comes this this strage feeling....I always used to comfort myself as I went through extremely rough times, I would say to myself, one day, God will answer my prayers and bring him to the realization he needs Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of his life. Well it happened...and I am more lost than ever. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a man I cannot show emotion to without being fake. I want to feel the love my husband is showing me is real, and not a ploy to get me where me wants me so he can control my life and keep me under his thumb.
I will pray for you and your family...and although I don't have any really solid answers for you yet, I think marriage counseling with a Christian counselor is the best investment we have ever made. Here are the names of 2 wonderful books that I have found helpful, and I hope you will too. Check your local library or Christian bookstore, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
"Getting The Love You Want, A Guide For Couples" By: Harville Hendrix, PhD
"Released From Shame" By:Sandra D. Wilson God Bless you, CK!!!
Your friend in Christ, Michelle