Posted by Doug Showalter on September 02, 1998 at 18:58:26:
In Reply to: Lost intimacy and betrayal posted by CK on September 01, 1998 at 19:40:42:
Dear CK,
I'm sorry for your pain, which, apparently, has been accumulating and making you numb inside.
Your message seems to indicate that [perhaps with the best of intentions and in the name of quick forgiveness] you have been false to your therapist, false to your husband, false to others, and most devastating of all--false to yourself!
I see forgiveness as a process of healing. That process cannot develop where there is dishonesty and self-deception.
I would encourage you strongly, to go back to counseling. Seek help in freeing yourself of all the secrets and deceptions [including self-deceptions] which you have built up over the past three years, about how you really feel about things, so that your inner healing has a chance to take place.
Religious people, with the best of intentions, sometimes assume that quick forgiveness is the answer, and what God demands. But as I've said, healing is a process. It is, I believe, a process which involves receiving God's gift of forgiveness. No one can hurry that process, or make it work instantly by the sheer force of their personal will. On this web site, please see my sermon "Forgiving: Through Gritted Teeth or Journey of the Heart?"
As Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true." And as Jesus said, "the truth will make you free." Dealing with how you really feel will be painful. It may also present some difficult choices for you. But ultimately, it will free you and give you your life back.
As you describe it, the path you are walking down now seems more like death to you. And perhaps in a way it is, as you have been repeatedly denying the real you inside you.
Please seek out a professional counselor, to help you sort through all the things you need to sort through. You owe it to your self.
I will keep you in my prayers,
Doug Showalter