Posted by Doug Showalter on December 01, 1998 at 21:11:38:
In Reply to: A bumpy road to forgiveness (Rev. Showalter please help) posted by Brianna on November 30, 1998 at 11:42:00:
Dear Briana,
I'm sorry for your pain. Obviously you have been hurt very deeply, as have many others who have written to this message board.
I would encourage you and your husband to seek counseling. If your husband won't go--which would be unfortunate--then go yourself. Don't try to carry all this pain alone. A professional counselor can help you sort through your feelings and discover helpful insights about yourself. Also, if both you and your husband go, you can begin to explore ways in which your marriage can be strengthened. It is possible for both of you to create a "new beginning" for your marriage. Even though that goal may seem hard to see at this moment, have faith that it is possible--with God's help, and if both of you are willing to work at it.
Regarding your pain, and your desire for revenge: Very likely your self-esteem has suffered greatly due to your husband's actions. You may well feel that the scales have tipped totally in your husband's favor, with all benefits for him and only pain and troubles for you. As you indicate, it can be very hard to forgive when one is feeling such an imbalance in one's relationship.
To re-establish your sense of balance in your marriage, I would encourage you to consciously do things which will help enhance your own sense of self-worth. Some people try to re-establish the balance by acts of revenge which seek to pull down their partner, who has injured them. But, ultimately, that approach is usually a dead end, which simply creates more pain. The more constructive and healthy way to re-establish your sense of balance is to find ways to feel better about yourself. Be good to yourself. Concentrate on improving your own life. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Learn a new craft, do something significant for others, go back to school, or accomplish something that helps you to better appreciate the inherent value of your own life. When you are feeling better about yourself, and the scales seem more in balance, you will likely find it easier to forgive, thereby experiencing true peace in your heart.
Think of Joseph in the Old Testament who was thrown into a pit by his brothers, and sold into slavery. When this event occurred, could Joseph have immediately forgiven his brothers from his heart? I doubt it. Some time passed, and Joseph's life eventually took a positive turn. He became an important official in Pharaoh's court. It was then that his brothers came to him seeking grain, and Joseph was able to forgive them. Some time had passed, the balance was restored somewhat in Joseph's life, and he was able to forgive, presumably from his heart completely.
I'm not suggesting that your forgiveness of your husband will or should take years. But I would encourage both of you to be patient with each other, to give yourselves time. It will take some time for you to feel that some of the balance has been restored in your relationship, to counterbalance feelings of lose and lack of self-worth which you may now be experiencing. Also, know that inner healing which is real and lasting takes time.
I hope this is helpful. I would encourage you to read a number of other messages on this message board. Others have been where you are now; they have some valuable insights to share as to how they have gotten through the crisis of being betrayed by their spouses. But yes, as you say, it often is a "bumpy road," at least for a while.
Best wishes. I will keep both you and your husband in my prayers.
Doug Showalter