Posted by Brianna on November 30, 1998 at 11:42:00:
I will make a very long painful story as short as I can. In a nutshell, my husband of 15 years had a brief 4 month affair with a woman. During the 4 months they had sexual intercourse a few times and also numerous phone conversations with each other. He took her to cheap motels 3 times, the other times were in his car. After 4 months she started getting very demanding of him (she, too was married with 3 children) and he dumped her like a hot potato. He continued on his merry way until almost a year later I pieced things together while going through old phone bills. He never had any intentions of telling me the truth, but the moment I confronted him, he did confess. Of course I had the goods on him pretty tight, but I guess if he had really wanted to he could have denied it. I've read people do that. He didn't.
Since my discovery, he has been very remorseful and has been doing all that he can to make things up to me and sometimes I feel a lot of love for him and feel like I have forgiven him. Then I will remember all the betrayals (he told her he loved her... the OW gave me a letter he wrote her to prove it) I feel so much anger and resentment for him again and I feel like I am back to square one. I am so angry at myself that I can't seem to let it go and forgive him. Sometimes I'm there, but other times I think that I will never be able to forgive him and I want revenge. I want him to feel the pain that it caused me. I want him to feel how it feels to love someone and know that they've proclaimed love to someone else (he says he never meant it, just told her what she wanted to hear, but still said it nonetheless). I know that I can never make him feel that way, but I have this desire to make him hurt like he hurt me. I don't think it's fair that he has basically gotten away with hurting me so bad and yet I still accept him in my life. Aren't there consequences for one's actions? Where is the justice?
I do want to forgive because I am sick to death of obsessing on ways to get him back for what he did to me. I ask God to help me, but true forgiveness still eludes me. What am I doing wrong? Please help me, this is killing me.
Brianna