Posted by Doug Showalter on October 10, 1998 at 22:00:03:
In Reply to: Cant Forgive posted by B on October 06, 1998 at 07:23:23:
Dear B,
I can well understand that you would have difficulty forgiving, given what you have been through.
I do hope in the future though, that you will be able to forgive, for in my mind that is the only way to really free yourself from the terrible nightmare which your uncle has created.
However, you have to be ready to forgive--or should I say ready to receive the gift of forgiving, for I believe that ultimately it is a gift which comes from God to ready hearts. It can take a great deal of time before one even wants to forgive--nevermind the time to receive the gift.
And very often, one of the pre-requisites for making the decision to want to forgive, is that the person who has been injured needs to have their self-esteem built back up. It is very hard for the injured person to forgive, if they still feel deeply vulnerable, physically and/or emotionally unsafe, or if they are somehow doubting their own self-worth because of how they were treated by the person who injured them.
If self-esteem is a problem for you, relative to your injury, then I would encourage you to find ways to feel better about yourself. Accomplish some worthwhile thing, go back to school [or do a good job if you already are in school], participate in some new activities which really draw upon and help develop your personal abilities, etc.
As you begin to feel better about yourself, the prospect of forgiving the person who injured you, may not seem so forbidding.
Also know this:
--To forgive someone is NOT to say that what that person did to you is in any way ok. What the other person did was wrong! But you can forgive, and have inner peace in your heart, even in spite of their wrong.
--You can forgive, for your OWN sake, so you can get on with your life, and put this nightmare behind you.
--When you forgive, you are NOT obligated to have a relationship with the person you forgave, unless you really want to.
--Your forgiveness does not need to be dependent on the other person's repentance. In fact, I think it is a mistake to do that. For it sets up the injurer, potentially, to be a victim TWICE, if the injurer does not repent.
All in all, be gentle on yourself. Recognize that forgiving is a form of healing. It can take time. And, likely, you will need to do things in your own time, for the forgiveness to be real and from the heart..
I will keep you in my prayers. Write again if you wish.
Doug Showalter