Posted by Doug Showalter on October 11, 1998 at 00:29:08:
In Reply to: Re: Can't Forgive posted by Barbarah on October 10, 1998 at 22:42:42:
Dear Barbarah,
To be honest with you, the difficulty you are struggling with, is not one I struggle with. I understand the commandment. But I also believe strongly that people need to be honorable, to be worthy of being honored.
There are many parents in the world who abuse their children in one way or another. You will recall what Jesus said about a person who causes a child who believes in Jesus to sin (Matthew 18:6]:
"it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."
In my view, that is exaggerated language. Jesus did not advocate murder. But I think it covers a situation in which an adult [even a parent] abuses or treats a child poorly, and that child is thereby given cause to hate and/or bear ill will against that adult. It is the adult [or the parent] who really should know better.
Many people are torn up emotionally, because their parents have not really given them the love they need and deserve. They are then thrown into conflict with themselves and their situation, because deep down, they really would like to have the kind of relationship with their parents, that they could be proud of and feel nurtured by. However, for various reasons, some parents do not seem capable of giving the love and respect needed.
In my mind, it is sometimes best in such adult child/parent situations to "call a spade a spade." The adult child can treat their parent decently, but still not seek to have much of a relationship with that parent. The adult child finally comes to accept that the parent is not going to give them the love and respect they need. The adult child stops expecting what the parent cannot give. Yet, by the same token, the adult child does not feel obligated to act in ways which pretend that the relationship with their parent is a full and satisfying one, when clearly it is not. I am not encouraging animosity; I am encouraging "letting go."
Of course, it's sad when one's parents don't live up to the expectations of their children, for basic nurture and love. But that's the hard reality many people have to learn to live with. I know that when Mother's Day and Father's Day are observed in the Christian Church, they are wonderful celebrations for many people, who have or have had wonderful parents. But as a minister, I also know that there are other people in our congregations who are experiencing painful inner conflict on one or both of those Sundays, due to their own family experiences. Recognizing these differences in people's experiences, I try to be sensitive to all.
Those are my views. You certainly are free to disagree with them. I wish you well with your struggle. With God's help, may you find peace.
Doug Showalter