Posted by Doug Showalter on January 13, 1998 at 19:22:49:
In Reply to: Re: Adultry, how can I forgive when I cant forget? posted by sandy on January 10, 1998 at 03:14:20:
Dear Sandy,
Yes, I believe that God will still love you if you walk away. The fact is, I believe that God still loves us whatever we do, even if we do things, unwittingly or wittingly, for which we need to repent and ask God's forgiveness.
To me, the question is not that of possibly losing God's love. Rather, the question is that of trying to make the best, most loving, and fairest decision possible, considering all the people involved-- i.e. yourself, your husband, your children (if you have them).
Frankly, I believe in divorce in some situations--where reconciliation is impossible, where one marriage partner has already given up on the marriage, where a spouse is repeatedly unfaithful, or where anger and bitterness are the "daily bread" of the relationship. My own parents had a terrible relationship, full of ill will and fighting, which ultimately ended in their divorce. It was financially difficult in our household after my father left. But I, as a young teenager, was actually relieved when he left--the terrible fighting stopped.
The book, Spoon River Anthology, has a scene which has always stayed with me. From the grave, a woman laments the fact that she let her minister persuade her to stay with her husband "for the sake of their children," even though there was absolutely no love, only bitterness between them in their home. As the woman went on to say, it was a mistake, because without love in their home, her children grew up sickly and weak, like yellow shoots and stalks trapped under a rock without the sun's light.
May I also say that I believe in marriage! People can make mistakes. But if they truly care for one another, and are willing to work at their relationship, they can overcome the ill effects of those mistakes. As painful as it is for the one who has been sinned against, adultery does not have to be the end of a marriage. If the adulterous relationship is definitely ended, and both partners are willing to work together towards a high degree of commitment and sensitivity to each other, it can be the opportunity for a new beginning in their relationship. All need not be lost. Love happens, and it can happen again, if people nurture it and give it a chance.
At first, the relationship may seem like just going through the motions, as time is taken to mourn the loss of the old marriage and the ideals and hopes, now broken, which were a part of it. But then, over time, the relationship can grow and prosper as a new and more intentional chapter in the couple's life together is begun. Of course, the inner healing which forgiveness represents would be a very important part of this renewed relationship. The adultery might never be completely forgotten. However, it would no longer be a controlling factor in the relationship, or as painful. The couple's life together would have moved on from that.
I would encourage you to seek out counseling. If your husband won't go with you [though I hope he would] then consider going yourself alone. A skilled counselor can help you sort through your issues and options, as you seek to make a good decision about your relationship and your future. I will keep you in my prayers.
Doug Showalter