Posted by Doug Showalter on February 09, 1998 at 05:22:22:
In Reply to: Re: Adultry, how can I forgive when I cant forget? posted by Linda on February 03, 1998 at 10:44:33:
Dear Linda,
People's words can be important. But in serious situations I'm more inclined to evaluate people by their actual behavior. Words can be cheap. Also, people can be in conflict within themselves about a particular relationship--in one sense they want it, but in another sense they don't. Your husband may be sincere, at the moment, about wanting to come back to you. But there may also be another side to his feelings which holds him back--for whatever reason. It's tough to be in a relationship with a person who is so internally divided about the relationship. It can really make a spouse feel like a yo-yo. The fact is, all of us deserve much better than that, from those we have exchanged vows with to love, honor, and cherish, ‘til death do us part.
I would encourage you, at this point, to focus on your own life and well-being. I would guess that your self-esteem may have taken a real beating over the years, if you have had to deal with on again/off again feelings and behaviors of your spouse. At the moment, you might not even fully realize the extent to which your sense of self-worth has been eroded by this treatment over the years.
I would encourage you to seek out a counselor you can relate to comfortably, face-to-face, particularly to work on issues of self-esteem. Your husband will do or not do what he chooses to, ultimately. But you don't have to let your life be totally dependent upon and controlled by his vacillating choices and senses of loyalty. With proper counseling, I suspect you will be able to discover that you have much more power within you for life, and for happiness, than you realize at the moment. Be good to yourself. Take the time to find out, who YOU really are.
I will remember you in my prayers.
Doug