Devasted and Growing

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Posted by CGW on August 14, 1998 at 12:22:19:

To All,

I have read all the threads here in hopes I can find extra guidance. My Fiancé had a short term affair while I was on the road doing business. She is a severe cocaine addict or addict period. This pattern of addiction was present in her life since a very young age. I also have compulsive addictive behavior patterns. During and before knowing about the affair, I was a very hurt and angry Man. My hurt stemmed from the drug usage and general decay addiction will have on a person and/or relationship. I saw it coming, I saw it escalating and felt helpless to stop it. I went clean in the past in my twenties and my life improved in so many ways. I quit everything and sought a spiritual path in life. Although I gave up on this spiritual path as a day to day rule I still kept away from the booze and hard drugs for a very long time 7-8 years. I did however pick up some small stuff in time. This of course led to bigger and more dangerous drugs like cocaine. When I first met my fiancé, I was very wary of drug abuse and addiction was still very much against drinking and hard drugs. But hell, it was an illusion of fun I had not experienced in many a long year and my addiction was very happy to find a weapon to lie to me through. Our first year was fantastic. Our second year also fantastic. In my lucid moments I knew God had graced me with my soul mate. Our love was something that had no explanation, it was simply special. These were the graceful moments of us being outside fear and unconsciously being in a love based thought pattern. I believe in many things and have a very spiritual faith and I know our love was something meant to be. The addictions worked it’s black magic on both of us, especially her. I was screaming in side for us to stop and try to live life on life’s terms. In the end she chose here drugs and dysfunctional patterns of fear and running away.

Before I had found out about the affair I had made the decision to go clean again and if this meant losing her, I would have to learn to live with this. I confronted her about our life and stated to her if she was not happy, please go to a place she could be happy. I did not want to be with the person for the rest of my life knowing she wasn’t happy. She knew her addictions were bringing me down. I knew my addiction were growing to insanity and was bringing me down. She knew I was fighting as hard as I could. And in this path downward all my old sabotage garbage surfaced. But, God has strange ways to give messages. 2 days clean I got the surface truth about the affair and I was devastated. My addiction was very very happy and I fought the fight of my life. I was emotionally insane and knew it but still I had some clarity. I got in contact with her mother and got her out of the city to here parents place in the country. I preceded to go insane for three days until I could leave the city and get to my sisters house. My sister is a recovering addict with almost nine years clean time. My sister, a high school drop out to two degrees and a third on the way. She is specializing in therapy and addiction. It was the best move I made.

Long Story short. During my first week of being clean, my Fiancé had stopped using cocaine and her head cleared. In her small lucid moments, what she had done came crashing down on her. She was terrified of losing me and couldn’t believe the scope of her mistake. She was devastated. She was lost and starting to believe she was an addict or at very least a very very bad person. Self hate was killing her. If she could have found some cocaine she would have used. Her life had become unmanageable. Just before I left my sisters safe haven of recovery my fiancé also reached out and came to my sisters safe haven. I left and my sister worked a miracle.

I am now 32 days clean and working a twelve step program. My fiancée is 19 days clean and also working a twelve step program and still considering a addiction treatment center.

In my first weeks of separation I was presented with some pretty tough questions. The "Y" in the road. I could, on one hand, cut my loses and simply work on myself and get on with my life. Or I could take a hard look at what we had, what my true feeling were and proceed from there. By far this was a more difficult path. I surrendered and let go and let love come. A love that wasn’t for someone or anything it was simply that, love. In this I realized I did very much love this woman and vowed I would trade our relationship if she just had one day clean, in awareness and in some understanding of her addictions and how they were ruining her and our lives.

Careful what you ask for. I got this. Now I’m in the hard part. Letting go of the affair. If I don’t forgive, love will not come. Holding onto the past is a deterrent for love and the present. I love this woman with all my heart. I understand the patterns she was acting out and I also don’t understand the affair. I have trust issues but I know that if she was clean this would have never happened. We are both back together, both clean and everyday we come to love each other even more. We are becoming friends. We are becoming individuals. I am facing my past demons and personal issues and she is, with courage, facing her past issues as well.

But in the end I am still haunted by the past. It is not time for her to talk about what happened. She has a disease that she really needs to concentrate on. I try to be patient but at time want to know the why’s and where’s. I am trusting in "father time" and my recovery from addiction. Man, there should be a twelve step program for broken relationships.

I have read much disturbing stuff here. Much of this makes be doubt my path. Much of what I hear makes me want to run for the hills. I live the ups and downs day to day. Some times God is with me and love surrounds my life. Other times I’m just a fearful addict with a racing and raging rational diseased ego with a demon on my shoulder telling me to run, savor the pain, drink that beer. I’m winning the battle but the past is a haunt that my demon keeps using. Does anybody have any experience with this. I would love to hear what anyone thinks of my dilemma. I now I can’t predict the future. But I will let it come day by day. Thank you.

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