Posted by CGW on August 28, 1998 at 10:29:59:
In Reply to: Re: Devasted and Growing posted by Doug Showalter on August 28, 1998 at 00:04:51:
Thank you Doug for your kind words. We are both in a 12 step fellowship and are currently seeking counseling. We are both committed to recovery. I still have problems with the past. I struggle with wanting to cut and run. To take the easy way out. At this point in time she is not able nor willing to discuss the affair. I find knowing the why’s and when’s help me to put it behind me. The time line helps me see what went wrong, what I did wrong or where I could have helped, if at all. When she is not willing to share this, my diseased ego makes up all sorts of damaging movies for me to watch. I understand that at this point in time her fight is with addiction (So is mine) and that point in time was really a drug induced haze. Recovery has to come first. She is very shameful about much in her past. In being clean for over 30 days, she has nowhere to hide. I pray for her. I have made a compromise to discuss the affair at a later date when she is stronger, probably best to be talked about in counseling. I am also poisoning myself with resentment for all the people that where in the know, my so called friends or loved ones that did nothing to deter her from her patterns or consider the depth of pain her actions would cause her and myself. She even discussed the potential of an affair with her parents before the betrayal. I feel they held no regard for me and am deeply hurt by this. I love them dearly but feel betrayed by them. I understand parental loyalty but the pain is still there. I must forgive, it’s hard. I must cast away resentments, fear, guilt and anger, it’s hard.
Thank you for you kind words Doug. I know this path is difficult and I often feel as though I am climbing uphill against gale force winds with a knapsack full of bricks strapped to my back. The path is right, the odessey just, the progress slow, it’s painful but I pray that my ego will let go of the painful bricks of the past and future, thereby lightening my burden. In time do I trust, one day at a time.
Again thank you.
CGW