Posted by Doug Showalter on August 12, 1998 at 00:24:19:
In Reply to: Re: How Can I be sure that I have really forgiven? posted by MBCDC on August 08, 1998 at 00:22:51:
Dear MBCDC,
I define forgiving as the "elimination of all desire for revenge and personal ill will toward those who deeply wrong or betray us. This elimination usually brings an inner peace of heart and the freedom of not having our lives defined by the injuries we have suffered."
By this definition, and particularly the part about inner peace, I would say that the process of inner healing which is forgiveness has not been fully completed in you yet, as regards your father.
In my view, this process is not something that can be rushed. Ultimately, such healing is a gift from God. However, I do believe that people can make a conscious decision in their own hearts and minds to go on a journey of forgiveness. And very often, over time, the result of this journey is that inner healing.
I would encourage you to be gentle and patient with yourself. Begin a journey of forgiveness. Pray. Talk to others about your feelings--as you are doing on this web site. Trust that God will eventually bring you this inner peace.
Another thing you might want to consider: have you been able to express your feelings to your father? Do you think that would be of some help? He may not agree with you fully or accept full responsibility for how he hurt you, but perhaps he can come to have some understanding--and sympathy for--how deeply you were hurt, which, in turn, may give you some measure of satisfaction.
How do people know that they have truly forgiven? I think they know, when they can recall their injury, know that it was wrong, and NOT also have all the old feelings of anguish and/or ill will [associated with that injury] come rushing back at them. True forgiving does not deny that an injury took place. It does not deny that the injury was painful. But, in my experience, it usually does bring one a sense of inner peace about both one's injury and the person responsible for it.
It you haven't had an opportunity to view the rest of my forgiveness pages on this web site, I would encourage you to do so. I think you may find them helpful.
Best wishes to you,
Doug Showalter