Posted by Doug Showalter on July 02, 1998 at 23:53:56:
In Reply to: Child Abuse by family member posted by Teresa on July 01, 1998 at 13:02:36:
Dear Teresa,
I don't know your situation fully, so it is difficult to comment. But I do have some thoughts for your consideration.
I define forgiveness as coming to the point where one feels inner peace about an injury and the one who committed the injury. By this definition, and from what you have told me, it seems that you have not really forgiven your sister. Instead, it seems as though you have largely avoided this problem and your true feelings about it for years. However, in the situation you are now faced with, your old, buried, still unresolved feelings are coming back. I'm sure that's very painful.
I can see that your situation is a very difficult one, and that there are many things about it which you need to weigh--not the least of which is the well being of your son.
I offer you these words of encouragement: despite the pain and feeling of crisis in your present situation, it may, in the long run, lead to some very good things for you--as you finally confront your old feelings [as painful as they are], seek to resolve them, and perhaps find, even after these many years, that you can come to some sense of inner peace regarding your sister, whose imminent death will soon carry her beyond your reach. This particular chapter in your life's story is about to close. And perhaps, with God's help, you will be able to find a way in which it can be closed gracefully for you--without your having any regrets later.
Some questions that occur to me:
--Is your son still at an age where he really needs to be protected? You say the abuse happened "many" years ago. Depending on his age, your son may not be as fragile and need as much protection as you think. Perhaps you should discuss all this with him, and let him deal with some of it, rather than your taking it all on your shoulders by yourself alone, as you seem to be doing? The woman is your sister. But she is also his aunt.
--Is it time that you spoke openly to family members about what happened in the past? Sometimes wounds will not heal until they are exposed to the open air. Have confidence in yourself, despite what you fear some family members might say or think. You know what actually happened years ago. You know it was really inexcusable and not to be condoned--though it now can be forgiven. You know that you yourself were not at fault for that behavior. Believe in yourself!
Secrets in a family can be very painful and skew family relationships unnecessarily. Often, I think it is better to get the truth out, risk any pain which results, and then move on to an honest and more healthy level of living and relating to others. Have you seen the recent movie "Secrets and Lies"? It is a powerful demonstration of how secrets can devastate a family, but also how the exposure of those secrets can ultimately lead to real healing. I highly recommend this movie.
Given the circumstances you describe, I do not believe that you are necessarily obligated to take your sister into your home--and I certainly would recommend against it, if you had any reason to believe that her being there would present any real danger to your son.
You may wish to come to a sense of peace with your sister, seeking in your heart to forgive her, even though you still reject what she did as wrong. You can do that for yourself, whether or not your sister ever admits the harm she did, and even if you do not tell her that you are embarking on such a journey of the heart, with God's help, to forgive her.
If the present situation is causing you great difficulty, I would certainly encourage you to seek out professional, face-to-face counseling, to help you sort out your feelings and get through this crisis. You don't have to carry this alone. Also, I would encourage you to let other members of your family--including your son, if he is old enough--carry some of this burden with you.
Be aware that along with your strong feelings from the past about your sister, you may also, in some way, be grieving her impending death. Such feelings can be very subtle, but they can still be a significant part of the mix of feelings which are now causing you so much pain.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Doug Showalter