Posted by Mike :-D on December 27, 1998 at 01:13:54:
I don't know where to begin. I have been saved for twenty years; however, lately I'm seeing that forgiveness is very important for my recovery. When I was five years old I was sexually abused by my mother. Although it was as innocent enough with an enigma bottle, much of the feelings were similar to that of a rape victim. Feelings of entrapement, helpless, devalued self-esteem, anger, guilt, etc.. Though out my childhood she exhibited the same amount in psychological, emotional, and physical abuse. When I was sexually molested by teenagers many years my senior, all of the old flashbacks came back.
Thoughout my later years (I'm 43), I have acted out my anger in the same category. Much of it in sexual abuse to my wife; psychological and physical abuse to my children. As of the past four years I have lived separated (desiring to reconcile) from my wife and children. I have gone through much prayer, and trying to reconcile with my mother. She admits she made mistakes in raising me, but she has never admitted anything in detail. I have tried to forgive her for the sake of myself and my family. Trying to break the cycle of handed down sin. IOW, as I was abused, I will abuse.
I am a firm believer that when the bible talks about sin being passed down to the third generation, that that is not an excuse to give up on the sin; but an indication that the sin cycle needs to be broken. I also desire that my wife and children can forgive me. I can understand that there is a trust issue here; she says that she forgives me, but there is under-currects of hostility. That could also be other issues involved. Maybe she has to go through every aspect of recovery from me, as I have to recover from my mom.
Thank you all for listening. I hope I haven't offended any of you, but I would love to hear any helpful insight.
Prayerfully,
Mike :-D>