Posted by Theresa on November 18, 1998 at 10:06:05:
In Reply to: Re: Looking for Healing, Forgiveness and Peace posted by dana Johnson on November 16, 1998 at 13:36:08:
Dear Dana:
From your letter, I get the sense that you realize that what you did was very wrong. That you have repented. This is very good and very encouraging. Unfortunately, I'm sure your husband does not believe your sincerity. This is one of the consequences from this sin. However, this does not mean that your situation is hopeless. I would advise you to seek counseling and continue praying and seeking the Lord with all of your heart, mind and body. If you seek him earnestly you will be transformed (sounds like the transformation has already begun). As you are transformed and your actions change, these actions will speak louder than anything you could "say" to your husband to make him believe you have repented.
And this takes time. You can not make your husband "see" that you mean what you say. You cannot make your husband stay with you. You cannot control your husband.
In my situation, I was not the one who cheated. My husband did the cheating and I reacted very similar to your husband. There were many times that I wanted a divorce or separation. My husband kept begging that we give it some time while going through counseling. He kept telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me and how much of a huge mistake it was. In short, he kept affirming his love for me and MOST IMPORTANTLY he showed through his actions that he was a changed person. He did not yell at me,when I screamed at him. He bowed his head and took the torrents of words that I threw at him in silence, His tears and apologies and his constant reminders that he loved me helped tremendously. Slowly, as we went through the counseling, the divorce thoughts went away more and more. He continues to show me his level of commitment. He leaves notes, sometimes very creative funny notes, just to tell me he loves me. He studies his bible everyday and he prays like never before.
Show your husband that you still love him and keep apologizing. Allow him to get angry. Take it in silence and keep apologizing. Tell him you love him and describe to him why you know that it was wrong. Don't make excuses for why you did it. Take all the blame. If you try to justify what you did, it will sound as if he left you with no other options and that he caused you to do what you did and this is wrong. You are the only one resposible for making that choice. Just like you can't control your husband, he can't control you.
Do the 3 r's. Do you know what they are? If you need clarification, just let me know. I'll be glad to expand. But if you do the 3 r's (repent, be responsible, and repair the damage) then at least you know you are doing a significant amount of restitution and that may be all that you can do.
One other thing that I want to comment on. You said that you are afraid that the Lord can't or won't listen to you. That he is not there. Well, I know that this is not true. Read Romans chapter 8, verse 35-39. It says that nothing (emphasize the word nothing) can separate us from God's love. Nothing. No trouble, no calamity, no sin that we commit, can ever ever separate us from the love of God. I know that when we sin we fear that we have been abandoned by Christ. An acronym for sin is "S"elf "I"nterest to the "N"th degree. When this happens, when sin happens, we are far from God in the sense that we remove ourselves from his presence. That is why we feel like we have been abandoned. But in reality, we have abandoned God. Christ's death is proof of his unconquerable love for us. God tells us throughout the bible how much he loves us and that he will never abandon us. I'm sure also that Satan/evil forces want us to believe that God abandons those that are sinful.
We can do so little when we rely on just ourselves. But when we turn over a situation to the Lord, we have a lot of power. And we can do anything. "I can do all things things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13)
Another verse that might help also comes from Phillipians, chapter 4 verse 6. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
I pray that everything works out for you. God bless you and keep you. Please know that God is with you. Seek him out and talk to him. And when things are really getting you down, look for the blessings that you presently have. There are many. So many. Concentrate on these and praise God for what you do have. And you will sense him with you. If you are full of thanks in tough times, he sees that, and takes note. And he will continue to bless you.
Love, Theresa