Posted by Doug Showalter on November 18, 1998 at 09:09:23:
In Reply to: Help Doug Showalter! It's a long one.... posted by Dana on November 16, 1998 at 18:48:28:
Dear Dana,
I'm sorry for your troubles. I can see that you are in a lot of pain, and feeling confused. Here are some of my thoughts.
Take a deep breath. Resolve to live one day at a time. Trust that ultimately, with God's help, you will be able to overcome and move beyond the failures, sins, and pains of your present situation. As difficult as the present is, believe that God will ultimately bring some good out of it.
In the present, I would encourage you to realize that the only person you can change is yourself. You can't control whether or not your husband continues to want a divorce. But you can do things to try to make your own life better--whatever the future holds, concerning your present marriage.
I think, as you mention, that seeking counseling is a good idea in your situation. But if your husband won't go with you, then go alone. If you begin to change and become more satisfied with your life, it's not impossible that your husband may also change in some way, in response to your changes--even though he is not going to counseling. Whether that would save your marriage or not, I couldn't say. But likely, the counseling would help you to begin feeling a lot better about yourself, and your situation.
My wife is presently finishing up her Master's degree in marriage and family therapy. You'll be interested to know, that one of her professors recently noted in a lecture that women's bodies often become attuned to the sperm of their mates, such that the sperm from other men is rejected. This is a controversial theory at present. But if correct, it may indicate that there is a higher likelihood, that the child you are now bearing is your husband's.
Would it be helpful at this point--if it is scientifically possible [which I think it might be]-- to have genetic testing done on your amniotic fluid to determine the father of your child? You may want to talk with your doctor about this. Ultimately, your child will likely want to know who his/her father is. This knowledge may also be important for health reasons [to discover biological tendancies, any inherited illinesses, etc.]. Also, if your child's paternity can be determined now, it may help clear up at least some of the confusion you are now feeling. Also, if the child is determined to be your husband's, then perhaps this may have some effect on his present feelings.
Through all of your problems, I would encourage you to honor and hold high one key principle--as best you can. Love your new child who-is-to-be fully and without reserve. In no way should your new child ever be blamed or made to feel unworthy because of the present difficulties which you and your husband are facing. Regardless of the circumstances in which children are conceived, they are all infinitely precious to God, and for that reason, they should all be considered infinitely precious by us.
A final point: you indicate some concern that God may not be able [or willing] to hear you now, because you have been silent to God for so long. It is my deep belief that God always hears us, and that God is always trying to enter our lives in positive ways. Thus, I would encourage you to take your problems to God in prayer, and to be open to God's efforts to help you and guide you in your present situation. When it comes to receiving God's love and concern, we are never too late.
Good luck. Write again if you wish.
Doug Showalter