Posted by Dana on November 16, 1998 at 18:48:28:
I have been reading your messages to other people and see that you have wonderful insight and encouragement for many people so maybe you could help me out on a hard dilema that I am going through.
My husband and I have been having problems for about a year. Where he didn't feel like himself as if something were missing and he didn't know what or how to solve it. That left me feeling anxious and confused as if I had done something wrong to our marriage. He would always insist that it wasn't the marriage but something within him it effected us very much. I encouraged him to seek help and speak with a clinical social worker to help him work out somethings in his head, as he agreed to. I then started to see the same woman to tell her how I was feeling about my husbands actions and how it effected me. Through a few couseling sessions she categorized me as a "co dependent" which I agree upon 100%. We only saw the counselor once together. In doing that I thought we were seeking help for our own hangups vs. the marriage.
A few months later my 2 yr old daughter and myself went on a vacation to visit some close friends and we were gone just about a month. While I was there I discovered that I was pregnant. Already undecisive on if I wanted the marriage to end I stuck it out and came back home where I thought everything would just get back to normal. I was wrong...
One evening my husband was going through my dresser drawer looking for something and he found what he wasn't expecting. A letter I had written to my lover. Unfortuanatley, I had an affair before I left on my vacation and now I am not sure who the father of the baby is. My husband was and still is devestated about the whole thing and has asked for a divorce.
I am angry at myself for allowing this to happen. For not having the tools and knowledge to fix the marriage and for allowing it to go as far as it did. I love my husband with all my heart and soul and would like to somehow convey to him that I was wrong and it was just a mere cry out for help. He has put all blame on me for this marriage ending in divorce. He isn't willing to "step up to the plate" and admit to me that he had done some wrong to. He was a very neglectful, unappreciated husband and I felt inadequate at times when I was with him. But yet, I still love him. And I just can't seem to let go. My brain knows it is over I just wish someone would explain it to my heart. I don't know if this is my "co dependent" self that is reacting this way or what.
I am still living in our home until after the holidays so it won't effect our daughter too much. Our families know of my infedelity and about the pregnancy. And I feel more shame to myself that they all know then ever before.
I have asked for Gods forgiveness and have asked him to give me the strength to get through this, but I have been so silent to Him for so long I am afraid he can not hear me.
I know my husband still loves me and is very hurt and angry. I just wish he would take the time to understand that he was at fault too. I agree with you that it takes 2 to make a marriage work, but it also takes 2 to make the marriage fail. But my husband doesn't see it this way. Everything is so black and white with him. He only sees that I have done wrong by him and will not forgive me. I know it will never be forgotten I just wish he would reconsider his divorce decision.
Maybe this is just his way out. Maybe he wanted the marriage to end long ago just didn't have the heart to tell me and this is just his easy way out. I have asked for him to seek marriage counseling to try to solve some things and get things out in the open, but he says that we did and that I had sex during it (which I don't agree with..we never went to counseling for our marital problems)
I don't know what I need and not too sure if you can help. But I feel all alone and very confused and thought maybe you could give me some sort of helping hand.
Thank you for your time
Dana