Re: Guilty for standing up for myself, why?


[ Return to Archive ] [ Current Forgiveness Message Board ] [ Table of Contents ] [ FAQ ]

Posted by Doug Showalter on February 16, 1998 at 20:40:22:

In Reply to: Guilty for standing up for myself, why? posted by Marion on February 07, 1998 at 14:30:15:

Dear Marion,

I believe that all of us have a right to personal space in our relationships with others. We have a right to some mental space for the privacy of our own thoughts; to some physical space for the unhampered existence and movement of our own bodies; and to some verbal space so that we can express our own ideas in our relationships/conversations with others.

As you describe the situation at your job, I don't think it was wrong for you to call attention to the fact that your verbal space was being infringed upon by the employees you were trying to help. Sometimes it is necessary for us to tell other people where the boundaries of our personal space are, and when infringements of that space occur--either unintentionally or by intention. After all, those boundaries aren't marked by signs, and other people don't always stop to think about where our personal boundaries might begin and end. In short, no, I don't think you need to ask for forgiveness for that.

Now the other consideration. What was the tone of your interaction with the other employees? Was it sharply sarcastic, harsh, angry, etc? What we say is one thing. How we say it can be quite another thing.

To get the best hearing, preachers are usually well advised to talk about hot topics cooly. In this way people's defenses are less likely to be raised, and the preacher's words have a better chance of getting through. The same also seems to be true in our daily relationships. In the long run, people usually respond a lot better to being talked with, instead of being talked at in sharp, harsh, or angry ways.

If the overall tone of what you said was essentially disrespectful [sharp, harsh, angry, etc.] you might want to consider making an apology to those employees--not for claiming your verbal space, but for the way in which you went about it. You could cite extenuating circumstances which led you to act in that very human, but nonetheless, less than agreeable way--i.e. the stress of the day, the wearing thin of your patience, etc.

I work in an office with other employees. Given the stress of our work, there are times when any of us can grow impatient or frustrated, to the point where we might say a sharp word to another. In itself, this is not a great crime. However, when such negative behavior does occur, I think it is helpful for us [even if we are supervisors] to admit it and apologize for it, thus admitting our own human shortcomings.

I know that the tone of some offices is very uncivil: People yell at each other. People undercut each other. Supervisors seem to enjoy belittling their underlings. However, I have always felt that the best practice in any office [or other environment], is to set a high moral tone, which seeks to respect the God-given dignity of each person in that office. That's the goal. Inevitably, people will sometimes fall short of that goal. But, when they do, they have the courage, self-respect, and personal dignity to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong. I'll try not to let it happen again. Now let's talk about the basic issues which were a concern in that situation."

In short, I think a person can be both a "nice guy," and NOT a complete door mat for others to walk all over. Certainly, Jesus spoke up for himself when it was important--as he spoke up to certain religious leaders of his day. Jesus was also a very loving person who respected the inherent human dignity of others.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck,

Doug Showalter


Follow Ups:



[ Return to Archive ] [ Current Forgiveness Message Board ] [ Table of Contents ] [ FAQ ]