Posted by Vicki on November 07, 1998 at 11:56:37:
This last year has been horrible. I grew up as a child not knowing who to trust, it was a matter of adults violating me, grandfather, father, and stepfather. Proabably from as young as 4-13 years of age. I worked through most of this years ago. I divorced after 11 years of bad marriage, my fault, I made a bad choice to marry at age 17. I have a beautiful, responsible daughter away at university. I have been in and out of bad relationships for the last 10 years. A total of 4, one brief. This last relationship was off and on for the last 3 years... there was a lot of distrust, he had a lot of female friends on the side that he reserved for himself, 2 close friends in their mid 20's, one married, one single. He was crazy about them, but they only wanted friendship from him... I loved him more than I have ever loved any other man. It was a very painful relationship. It is over, (just recently) but I still love him and it hurts, he was not capable of commitment. So I am dealing with that.
Here's the other issue, my very best friend of 25 years is in jail for the murder of her husband. I always thought we were the best of friends. We did not see each other everyday, nor every week or month, but over the years have stayed in contact with each other. We was in each others wedding party. We always had a close bond and loved each other very much. She was always there for me when I needed her, I knew all I had to do was call and she would be there. We talked last year monthly, things seemed fine. I would ask her how are you and P____ doing? and she would say fine. We talked about how much our children meant to us, talked about the Lord and our relationship with him. This last January we talked about having bible studies together, she seemed enthusiastic. Late January, one evening after I returned home from work, I rec'd a phone call that Pam was at the hospital, her son and 3 other boys had been in an accident. I raced to the hospital, stayed the evening up there with Pam, her husband and other family members. The children fortunately was not seriously injured. The next morning (I work at the hospital) while at work I rec'd a phone call that my friend was hysterical, asking for me. I ran to be with her, she was hysterical, crying incessantly, I couldn't make out anything she was saying... To make a long story short, her husband was shot outside his home, he was on his way back to the hospital. It was a brutal murder. I have never personally been exposed to any criminal activity in my life. We went through the hole process of the investigation, it was awful. My friend would spend hours talking with me fabricating who might have killed her husband, stories that by the time I would leave her I would be sick at my stomach, and my body riveting with shaking episodes uncontrolled. I was very supportive, I didn't appreciate the way she would be questioned by the investigators, but figured it was the process. It was late in April, late at night I rec'd a phone call from Pam's daughter telling me that she was arrested for the murder of her husband. I was shocked. My best freind was a kind, loving, very giving person. I would have bet my life that she was not capable of something like this. Well she was and did do this. She has remained in jail since April to date. We had many hearings. I was named guardian of 17 year old, executor of the estate. She tried to kill herself in August, nearly did. I sat by her side at the hospital. Just a few weeks ago, the day before her preliminary hearing she pleaded guilty. I was shocked, I had believed her all along that she had nothing to do with this. How could she do something this awful, Kill someone, her husband, he was not a wife beater, he was a kind man. I feel so betrayed, those poor children, she has a 17 year old, a 19 year old. I am devastated. I took the daughter 2 times since to see her mother, 2 1/2 hours away, it was difficult for me to look at her or talk to her. She has sent me letters asking me please to help her. Saying she can't forgive herself, I believe her. She cried the entire time at the last visit. She will get life in prison, maybe if she is lucky she will only get 25 years with eligbility for parole. I think she belongs in prison, I have no doubts about that. I am so hurt. I will stay by the childrens side forever. I was totally committed to helping Pam get through this, but now I am having so much trouble. I know in my heart that I will do what I intended to do before she plead guilty, that I will find a way to forgive her and support her. Lately I feel like isolating myself in my home, I don't want any company, don't want to talk on the phone, work is difficult, I am a health care professional. I don't want anyone close to me except my daughter. She is the only person I want near me. My ex-boyfriend was so supportive and helpful during this time. We starting seeing each other 3 days before Pam was arrested, he was so helpful and supportive. I am so thankful he was in my life at the time. But we broke up 6 weeks ago, I have been miserable. He said he thought he was committed to the relationship, but now he wasn't. I feel like I'm drowning in my pain... I pray out to God, I read my bible. I listen to TBN continuously. Pam tried to call me collect 2 times last night, I was thankful I was not home. She keeps writing, and I haven't returned a letter. I know I need to respond to her soon. She has to have support to endure the pain she has inflicted on others and herself I know, and I know that she needs forgiveness. I don't have anyone really that I feel like pouring my heart out too. I have not found a church to attend, although I have had a close walk with the Lord since 1996. Please help me. I feel alone, although I am not, I know that God is with me. I won't let anyone close to me. I am in too much pain. I feel Pam used me, and betrayed me. Pam has appologized to her children.
I got over the abuse issues, but the one scar that has remained in my life I suppose has been trust. It keeps coming up and I have difficulty with it.