Posted by Cindy Tilkens on October 19, 1998 at 05:07:03:
In Reply to: How to heal from the pain posted by Diane on October 17, 1998 at 10:56:08:
Diane,
As I read your letter I felt your pain. I am not sure where to start or how much to include in this letter- so I will start with "I believe God wants me to write this letter". I have never been to this site before. Your letter is the only one I have read so far. I will start with telling you about tonight. My husband Jim and I have been married 22 years. I have stopped loving him twice- and probably he has felt the same for me. We are now doing well and very close. I have been in a full-time ministry (Music) for six years- traveling - with him. July of 97 we took a place in Oregon and stopped the nation-wide travel. (more on that later)
Tonight we attended a marriage seminar (well advertised). I'll skip to the point. During the last part he taught a communication exercise that I know will help all of us who were there. It is a committmet of a half hour to each other. You set an cooking timer for three minutes. During this three minutes you pray together about whatever needs prayer. Every day things like praying for your children, or grandchildren, or finances, or illness, etc. It is a time not to pray for an hour- just thre minutes and when the timer goes ding... you just stop. You stop because you are going to do this every day. If you want to take another time to pray together longer- do it. but during this time you pray thre minutes. Next you read do a one minute Bible study together. Share a scripture... Read something from the Word of God. When a minute is up - you quit for the next 26 minutes you talk about whatever you want- but this is how you do it. Because women are more verbal and need to talk because that is usually how we think things out- by talking abou tthem... The woman goes first. These are the rules:
the one talking gets to hold a spoon. (There is a reason for this) The one listening has a large notebook. Since you would start- you get permission to speak until you are through. You will talk about whatever you need to talk about - He does not talk- but takes notes on what he thinks you are saying. After you make your first point you put up the spoon (just holding it up). this means you are finished with your first point.
Then he is to repeat back "What he thinks that YOU were saying to him" This is not a time to argue or give his opinion. Only to tell you what he thinks you were saying to HIM. He should have taken notes and will be reading from his notebook. If he does not get it- You start again. He again takes notes . When you are finished clairifying- He again will communicate back to you what he thinks you said. When he gets it correct- You then go on to the next point. When you are finished he feeds back to you what he thinks you said. He was again taking notes as you spoke. And on and on until you are through. Each time you make your point and have finished you hold up the spoon. that is his sign that it is his turn to feed back to you what he thinks you are saying. this continues until you have satisfied your need to tell him whatever...
Then you hand the spoon to him. YOu take notes and he covers each point... and when he is through - He holds up the spoon and it is your signal to feed back to him exactly what you think he said. If you get it wrong - he starts again- holds up the spoon when he finishes clairifying. You feed it back to him. He continues on to each point after you get what he was saying...
Obviously, this takes more than twenty five minutes- so you time it. And each day start up where you left off. It starts with the woman... she goes until she has successfully communicated and been understood on each point. Then it is the mans turn and he likewise continues until he is finished.
The reason for this is most women do not feel their husbands hear them. they need to talk about (whatever) and so they begin to nag their husbands or repeat themselves several times. But by this exercise, the woman is secure in knowing her husband really heard her. He not only listens, hears, but takes notes and repeats it back to her. He also gets benifits, because he knows she will stop nagging. The rule is that this is the time to express things- especially if they are difficult things.
Some other things the man (Ray Mossholder) said during this evening was to make a practice of both parties in the marriage to start working at out-loving each other. In other words, if he does the dishes, or something to bless you... You sit down and watch foot ball and try to learn enough about the game to cheer his team with him... get excited about what brings him joy. Share each other in places you never did. I know he said this far better than I am.
He also has tapes and videos- in case you might be interested. He also talked about finding a right time to do this half hour thing- a time you both agree on. If you cannot do it daily- do it! Do it as often as you can. He talked about not dialoging when either of you is tired, hungry, or in the wrong manor, or tone of voice. Being truthful and kind... scriptural. This exercise will allow talking- but it will be limited to a half hour- so the husband knows there is an end. One man called him to tell him his wife had kept the spoon for six weeks and was still going strong.
I also wanted to tell you that your wound will be a source of Long suffering, and strengthening. What I mean is that the pain will get less, especially as you two work on the marriage... but the real pay off is when He falls "IN Love" big time with you down the road.... It takes a long time sometimes... time, circumstances, etc. But when he really starts to see- And God can do that- You will get a reward. Don't let him think you will settle for mediocrety. Keep seeking out information, read, continue, and Let God Lead. He loves you both so much. Satan is crushed beneath your heel each time you choose to re-forgive him and go on. Forgivness and Love destroy evil works. Satan is crushed and your future is blessed by God.
He gave a lot of info tonight- one thing I wrote down ( I took notes) was "If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, she won't turn out to be a Nag!"
If I can I will write again- there is more... lots more and we go again tomorrow night, the next night and wed night. but I also wanted to tell you I have three albums of music. The latest album is called 'Family Album" and is music about Forgivness, Healing, Reconcilliation, and Restoration.
My story is too long to put in here tonight. If you are interested, sometime I will tell you about the miracle God did for me in this area. Different from yours- but very serious and very powerful. I have been able to encourage many at my concerts- in the area of forgiveness. My web site is
http://www.songbirdcindy.com
God Bless! Look up Jer. 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, They are plans for Good and not for Evil... " By the way, this man who give the seminar did not love his wife the first twelve years of their marriage. At one point, he prayed for her to die. He had an affair also. She even prayed for God to take her home.... die. And they are now married for 35 years and they both are in love, and both are giving this marriage seminar. I think you would benifit by his videos. God will help you- just don't quit. Keep on... and Give the Lord lots of room to work... and time. Healing takes time.
In Christ,
Cindy Tilkens
Songbird
www.songbirdcindy.com