How to heal from the pain

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Posted by Diane on October 17, 1998 at 10:56:08:

This is a long one...

I'm new to this board... but it looks like I finally found what I need at this site. Affairs are such
private things and I think that's what makes it an even greater hell to go through. We NEED to be able to talk about it with people who understand what we're going through... it helps so much to know that so many of your stories could have been written by me... the crazy obsession with
questions, wondering about if you can ever forgive or trust, etc. I can only talk this subject with my husband... and he certainly isn't too happy when it gets brought up... or the councillor who thinks I should just concentrate on now.(Attitude of it happened, its in the past, move on). I wish it were that easy.

I have been married for 29 years... I was 17 and he just turned 20. The years have been both very
bad and good... but we always played a merry-go-round. Up & down. Love & hate. I was busy
raising 2 children, etc. so I didn't seem to mind the rocky parts as much because I had so much else to occupy my time. Once both my kids left home I really felt lonely. Then my dad died in June of 1996, I lost my job in July, and ended up going to classes to learn (you guessed it... computers ---so I could write this letter??) My husband is self-employed and work was really awful. He started coming home real late... but there was never any money coming in. He would just tell me he was "knocking on doors... trying to find work." I found leaving at 6:30 a.m. and coming home at 8:30 pm a bit much with no work coming in and I was very lonely. I ended up being very obsessed with my computer and it got to the point when we were together we didn't talk, do anything... just sort of put up with each other. I loved him and hated him. He wouldn't talk with me... I just existed. In March of 1997 I found my present job and cracked up my car in a snowstorm 2 weeks later. March, 1997 is when he began his affair...(unbeknownst to me)
I feel like when I was at my lowest point thru those months he deserted me. He said she made him feel good about himself and I just wanted more and more from him and nothing was good enough. He said he really felt I was going to divorce him... although I do not know
where he decided that. I stuck with him thru lots of rough years. I wanted his love... I wanted to be his friend and have fun with him... I was unhappy because he wasn't there for me. NOW I know why.
That summer began the worst time of my life. He stopped telling me he loved me, when we went
anywhere I felt so unwanted. I hated my life. If we had a fight--- several times he would go overnite and come home the next day. He told me he was at his friends (male). I felt suspicions, but maybe I just didn't want to believe what I was suspecting. Finally in September (97) I had had enough and threw his clothes in a bag. I was very sick that night, he was being kind, but suddenly something changed and he went out the door... returning the next afternoon... not wanting to discuss anything. I couldn't handle anymore. I felt like I was going insane.
He left... I thought living without him would be better than with him... but I was wrong. I missed him so much... but I wanted us to get better. I realized how much I loved him and wanted him in my life...IN my life, as my partner, not the distant way we were living. We talked the next weekend and decided to go to counciling but to stay separated till we could figure out what we were doing wrong. He seemed much more convinced we should do this separately than I was. We started counciling, and both agreed that we would work on a room in the house to make into our bedroom... when it was done he would move back. Things were going really well. He moved back on a Friday in November... Sunday morning at 7:15 am I was awakened by the phone with a woman asking for my husband. She gave me her name and said she just wanted to know how a benefit we went to the night before went. I had a funny sick feeling about this call. I told her he was in bed... she replied in a strange tone, "Oh"... and stupid me told her about how good the benefit went! When my husband got up I confronted him with the call. He told me she was from the donut shop he went to... also told me that she had told him that if she could pick a man to go to bed with... it would be him. He admitted that he kissed her, but only as a friend.. RIGHT!!! He swore he wasn't unfaithful. We continued to go on and things were going really well with our relationship...much improved with communication, caring, etc. But hang-up calls kept coming...and I began to feel very uneasy. I KNEW something was wrong... and he would not admit to anything. I got very depressed and finally he admitted the truth to me (March 98) In the beginning I think I was just in shock and felt it could be I am months later still dying from the hurt. On top of it all, he had been living with her while we were separated and "working" on our marriage... and when he moved back, he had been seeing her (supposedly no sex, just visits to keep her from telling me... blackmail as he puts it). I believed him when we were working things out in counciling, I believed we were doing so well... how could we
have been when he lied about so much???. Am I just blind and stupid??? How can I believe what he tells me now?. How do I really know what is REAL? He ended it by calling her in my presence (my request) and telling her it was over, I knew everything, and he belongs to me. She called back (we put her on speaker phone) and she began reading me the letter my husband claims she had been planning to send me. Calls continued on his pager (said he did not return) and at the house. I felt so invaded. We ended up shutting off the volume. The calls finally stopped... after I came home from the hospital (had emergency surgery April 22). I still feel he had some contact with her regarding closure on their relationship... he denies it. Just doesn't make sense to me. Why do I need to know? I just feel I do. I want honesty in our relationship whatever the consequences. It's since been quiet, and he's been really good... except he really thinks I should be over and done with what happened and just be happy we're doing so good now...How I wish I could. He gets upset when I bring things up (it's no longer everyday anymore) but sometimes I just NEED to talk about it. And I feel afraid to bring it up because I know he'll get angry. He was a prince during my surgery and May 31 my daughter had an accident which left her with a wired jaw and broken 7th vertebrae. She's home recovering... and we've worked as a team together... but the hole in my heart is still there. Will it ever mend? Will I ever be able to accept the fact that he was unfaithful and be able to live with it and love him in spite of it. I do love him... but I feel so hurt and confused. Can anybody give me some good advice?
Thanks for listening,

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