Posted by Doug Showalter on September 09, 1998 at 01:16:27:
In Reply to: question posted by maddie on September 08, 1998 at 23:27:25:
Dear Maddie,
Good question. You don't mention your age, but for the record, and based on your message, I am assuming that you are now an adult and not a child who is still at risk.
I define forgiving as coming to the point of having inner peace of heart about the person who injured us. Along with that inner peace, we do not [or no longer] wish that person ill will.
In my view, things begin when we finally make a conscious decision that we want to forgive. We then go through a process of healing over time. Ultimately, we usually come to the point of discovering that inner peace I mentioned above. I believe that inner peace is ultimately God's gift to us. We can't create it for ourselves; but we can seek to prepare ourselves to receive it [i.e. the Prodigal Son in Jesus' parable had to come to his senses and make his way home, before he could receive and benefit from the forgiveness which his Father already had for him].
I would encourage you to look through the other forgiveness pages on this web site, if you haven't already. I think you may find them helpful.
I can't tell what is going on in your situation as you describe it in your message. I see two different scenarios, either one of which might be relevant to your situation. Only you, by looking into your own heart, can know which of these two applies--or, perhaps you will feel that neither applies. Here are the two scenarios:
1.) Is it possible that you have never really dealt with your injury, as much as you need to?
Sometimes people "stuff" their real feelings about an injury, for the sake of being forgiving, as they think "a good Christian" should be. They look at forgiveness simply as an act of will they must carry out, no matter how much pain is still inside them. In such cases, people can stuff their feelings for awhile and run from all the ugliness surrounding their injury. But eventually, their unresolved pain usually finds some way to re-emerge in their lives. In this scenario, forgiveness never really took place. It actually was only deferred--like a still festering wound which has a thick bandaid taped over it.
To get a better picture of what I am talking about, see, on this web site, my sermon entitled, "Forgiving: With Gritted Teeth or Journey of the Heart?"
2.) Is it possible that you have different levels of pain within you concerning your father, and that some of those levels are just now emerging as you recall different memories, or your life circumstances are changing in some way?
All the different levels of pain within us need healing. But sometimes, not all those levels are immediately apparent to us. I believe it is possible to forgive a person, but then later discover new levels of pain concerning that person which also need to be healed.
In such cases, the earlier forgiveness was real. But, as the person discovers, it wasn't complete. In this scenario, (a.) forgiveness is largely an inner emotional process [once the decision that one wants to forgive has been made], and (b.) the discovery of other levels of pain is not a setback. Rather, it is part of the journey to full healing.
Sometimes, when we reach the healing of one level, it opens the door or "gives us permission" to feel the pain which exists on other levels, and which also needs healing.
Best wishes to you. As I said, I think that ultimately you are the best judge of your own situation.
Doug Showalter