Posted by Doug Showalter on January 16, 1998 at 15:02:32:
In Reply to: Re: acknowledged posted by Julie on January 15, 1998 at 19:27:53:
Dear Julie,
I am pleased that my message on "Forgiveness and Justice" was of some help. May I say that I want to commend you for seeing the "larger picture," namely, that it is important for you to have a decent relationship with your ex-husband as co-parents to your two children.
The sad fact is that not every divorced (or separated) parent sees this. Many are so caught-up in day-to-day skirmishes with their "ex" and a compelling need to always "win" or hurt back, that they don't realize that such behavior may well be causing them to lose the "war"--at least as far as their children's nurture and well being is concerned.
Without a doubt, it is not easy to refrain from acting on such negative feelings. And the fact is, all of us "have our days," when our behavior with others is less than the ideals we espouse and usually strive for. But I really believe that being able to see the larger picture and seeking to guide one's life by it, will ultimately be the successful course. To reach their destinations safely, ancient mariners plotted their courses by the distant stars in the vast night sky, not by the swirling storm clouds nearby, which soon passed them by.
Another subject: building your self-esteem may be a very important issue for you at this point. If you can find ways to feel better about yourself and about the loss of your marriage relationship, you may not feel as strong a need to have your ex-husband acknowledge your hurt. Of course, in the best of all possible worlds, a husband who breaks trust with his wife by committing adultery, should recognize and express sincere remorse for the hurt he has caused her. However, as I noted in the "Forgiveness and Justice" message, ultimately we cannot control what others do. We can only control our own lives--and even that can be a challenge at times.
Something suddenly struck me as I mulled over your message about the fifth time. I am prompted to ask this question. You say your marriage has come "to an end." But have you really reached a full sense of closure about your marriage in your heart?
I ask this, because a close reading of your message shows that you talk about your "husband," not your "ex." My first readings of your post led me to assume, perhaps incorrectly, that you are divorced (an assumption reflected in my comments above). Whatever your situation, it seems to me that both closure through legal divorce and a clear sense of closure in one's heart, would be important steps in the process of moving beyond "stuck," and getting on with one's life again. I would think that until such closure really occurs, the desire for acknowledgment of one's hurt and anger at the third person in the triangle would be all the more difficult to deal with.
We humans often seem to need rituals in our lives, to mark significant life passages. If closure has not fully happened for you, perhaps at some point you would want to create your own personal ritual--whatever it might be--to clearly mark that closure. It likely is very difficult, particularly at first, to draw a clear distinction between an ended marriage relationship and an ongoing co- parenting relationship--with the same person. Perhaps some kind of ritual might be helpful in drawing this distinction, if this is a problem for you.
Best wishes, and I will keep you in my prayers.
Doug Showalter