Posted by Doug Showalter on February 04, 1998 at 12:50:30:
In Reply to: Re: acknowledged posted by ken on January 31, 1998 at 04:14:30:
Dear Ken,
You say you wish to maintain your marriage. You speak of your anger, and the fact that your wife is still working in a professional capacity with the person she had an affair with. There are a few questions I would want to ask you:
--Does your wife also want your marriage? At this point, is maintaining your marriage a strong priority for her? I believe it is possible for two people to find healing and renewal in their marriage following adultery, if both work hard on their marriage. In contrast, I don't think it's possible for one person, by themselves alone, to accomplish these things for their marriage. It takes two to marry, to maintain a marriage, and to revive a marriage.
--For financial reasons, career reasons, etc. is it absolutely necessary that your wife continue to work where she is now? Could she begin looking for other employment that will be suitable?
It is extremely hard to forgive a betrayal, if the betrayal is still continuing, or the third person involved in the betrayal continues to be a factor in a couple's life. A couple trying to find healing for their marriage, needs to focus on their relationship with each other. However, the continuing presence of the third person sets up a triangle of relationships, which, at the very least, is a distraction from the work the couple needs to do together. It can also be a continuing, unwelcome reminder of the betrayal.
To show that an affair is definitely ended, and that saving one's marriage is a top priority, I think it is usually better for the erring spouse to make a "complete break" with the third person. Sometimes, particularly in a work situation, this is not always possible immediately. But I think it is usually an important goal to strive for--especially if continuing contact with that third person is a source of discomfort for the spouse who has been betrayed.
I would encourage you to have a sincere talk with your wife about how you honestly feel about her work situation--if you haven't done so already. If finances or maintaining her career is an issue, perhaps the two of you could discuss other opportunities which could be sought out, and the steps you both would have to take in order for those other opportunities to be realized. I truly believe that difficulties such as these can be resolved over time, IF two people really love each other, IF they make the renewal of their marriage a high priority in their lives, and IF they are determined to work on their problems together, as a team.
To help you deal with your anger, and with your overall situation, I would encourage both you and your wife to seek out a skilled counselor with whom you can talk face-to-face. If your wife refuses to go, then I would encourage you to go alone. One person can't renew a marriage all by themselves alone, but one person alone can take the necessary steps to provide for their own well being.
I hope all goes well for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Unfortunately, I can't send you an e-mail notification of this message, as you requested, because you didn't leave an e-mail address.
Doug Showalter