Posted by Theresa on September 01, 1998 at 12:29:16:
In Reply to: Adultery. What do I do now? posted by Lyn on September 01, 1998 at 00:53:19:
Dear Lyn:
I have been where you have been. And it is so
incredibly painful. The feelings that you are
going through are normal...in fact, I feel like
a am talking to myself-the way I was three months
ago.
You talk of divorce. That you want to start your
life over. Your life won't start over if you get
a divorce. Your life continues...you start different
chapters, but you don't start a different book. Think
about it. The issues that you are dealing with will
have to be worked out-regardless of whether your
husband is married to you or divorced. If you divorce
him as a way of dealing with your anger, you just delay
the inevitable. Your will have to see your husband on
a daily or weekly basis. Your children will be dealing
with him (as they should) and therefore, choosing a
healthy approach is best. It is possible that you will
not be able to make amends. But three months is too early
to decide on a divorce, unless he is abusive or you are
endangered any other way.
I would strongly suggest counseling-as a couple first and
also for yourself as needed. Are you a Christian? If so,
seek out a Christian counselor (your pastor/priest can
recommend one).
Lyn, my husband confessed an affair to me that happened almost
seven years ago. It lasted about 2 months. He ended it. But
yet, it is the most devastating thing to a marriage. His confession
took place almost 6 months ago. The first 3 or 4 months were
the worst. The anger and the pain were unbearable. Oh, how dark
those days were. So I understand where you are and I feel so much
for you. But it does get better. Please do not give up. God has
wired you a certain way and because of the way he has wired you, he
knows how long it will take for you to deal with this.
May I ask if your husband is doing the 3 R's? The 3 R's are Repentance...
....is he sorry for what he did? Responsibility...does he take full
responsibility for his actions-or does he still blame you? Repair...is
he trying to repair the damage he has caused to you and your marriage?
If he is doing the 3 R's, there is a lot of hope. If he is not, there
is still some hope, but the chances of repair and staying together are
minimal.
Lyn, there are ways to help the pain. Some things that I did that helped
are not listening to rock and roll radio, TV, or videos. You don't realize
how much sexual innuendo there is and when you experience after finding out
about "an affair", the images that go through your mind are so painful and
depressing. So, just stay away from radio and TV. IF you find you drive
a lot and have to listen to something, try oldies or Christian radio or talk
radio. In those early months, this helped tremendously.
Another suggestion is to be good to yourself. I have never been one to pamper
myself in the least bit. The children always came first, then my husband and
friends, then the yard, then the house, then the church, and then if there
was any time or money left over, then me. In other words, I did very little
for myself. When my husband "confessed", my self-esteem/self-worth plummeted.
It was so dark. I went shopping to buy a few things...my wardrobe was so needful
of an update. And this helped a lot. I didn't go crazy. But a few things did
so much good. Also, take time out of your day for a special treat like your
favorite bagel and coffee/tea in the morning or a candle lit bath by yourself. Or
a favorite wine...just a glass. Be careful not to drown yourself in booze or drugs.
You don't want to develop another problem on top of the one involving your husband.
Lyn, please try not to blame yourself. There are things in your marriage that I'm
sure got on his nerves and really ate at him. But whatever those things are (and they
exist in everyone's marriage) they do not give him license to have an affair. He chose
a solution ....there were a dozen other ways he could have handled his feelings, but he
chose a poor solution. There are many marriages that are in trouble but not everyone
cheats on their spouse. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CHOICE! Period.
Get counseling to figure out what needs he had that were not being met. Because when it
comes right down to it, he was fulfilling a need that he couldn't fill within the confines
of marriage. Counseling will help figure out what those needs were. And when you figure
out what those needs were, you usually come up with why he had the affair. Even after you
answer the why, you will probably always wonder why he had to resort to something like an affair.
You'll ask yourself this over and over. And you may not ever answer it, but the pain will
lessen and you will become whole again. You will never trust him again. But you might be able
to build a stronger marriage than the one you had before.
Right now you are grieving over the lost relationship with your husband. It hurts. You are also
experiencing maybe shame and feeling like a fool. Feeling like your marriage was a total lie. This
hurts so bad too.
Go to the library and get out books about affairs and self esteem. They will help. Above all, pray and
read your bible. There will be some good things that come out of this whole mess.
You may not be able to see them but they are there and they will come.
God bless you Lyn, in the coming days. Please do not give up. Your days will improve. Keep praying,
reading, and take care of yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself. For the next few weeks, you may
just exist. And that's ok. Just keep praying and hanging in there. Also,keep talking to your husband.
Even if they end in yelling matches, keep talking and let out your feelings. Let out your anger. You have
every right to be angry. Let him know it with your words/voice. If you feel like you are going to do
something dangerous, either to him or yourself, get out of the house and get help. Your life is worth
so much. God bless you and hang in there!
With Love,
Theresa