Posted by Doug Showalter on August 24, 1998 at 12:08:05:
In Reply to: Question for Doug Showalter about infidelity posted by Sandy X on August 23, 1998 at 21:52:28:
Dear Sandy X,
You raise good questions. I'm sorry to tell you, however, that your initial assumption is not accurate. In my experience over 25 years of ordained ministry, many people do not reveal their marital difficulties to their minister. And, of those who do, it is often too late in their relationship, because their partner has already given up on their marriage. Instead of marriage counseling, clergy often end up doing divorce counseling.
It's sad, but so many couples do not reach out for help, when help can really be helpful. As I've said many times on this message board, it takes two to make a marriage. One person simply can't do it alone. If a couple waits so long to get help that one partner has reached the point of giving up, then I think it is likely that there is little hope for their marriage.
On the positive side, I will tell you that I have known some cases where adultery was committed, and the couple has stayed together, and been able to strengthen their relationship. It was a struggle, particularly at first, but their marriages were eventually set on a new and more realistic footing. They have stayed in their marriages and keep working at their relationships with their spouses, because they discovered that they really want to do that--not because they just feel some obligation to do it.
I'll mention a few things I have learned over the years. Frankly, I do not believe that anyone can really know how good someone else's marriage is. In my experience, people often hide the true nature of their marriage relationships from others, for the sake of putting their best foot forward. Thus, when people say that so-and-so has a wonderful marriage [as people often do], I always take it with a grain of salt. It may or may not be really true. When people make that statement they are almost always judging from outer appearances--and outer appearances can be very deceiving.
I came to this conclusion after knowing two different couples who appeared to have tremendous relationships. Appearance wise, they seemed to be exceptionally caring with each other, romantic, and eager to be together--to the point that other people spoke of it. However, as it turned out in both cases, the inside truth of their relationships was just the opposite. It was all a big show, exterior charades [perhaps quite unconsciously] which actually were desperate attempts to compensate for the things which were really not in their relationships at all. I [and everyone else] was shocked when both of these couples soon ended up divorced. As I learned, so often, the real truth can be hidden. None of us can really read other people's hearts. Thus, it is best not to make those kinds of judgments about the marriages of others--or compare our own marriage to theirs.
Many people have very idealistic, unrealistic images of marriage. But whether adultery and betrayal are involved or not, it seems to me that a marriage always requires work, so that a couple will continue to grow together [not apart], so that a couple will not take each other for granted [as happens so easily, especially over time], and so that the cares of daily living are not allowed to erode the mutual respect and love a couple has for each other.
If two people are truly committed to make their marriage work and they strive to work at their marriage as a team, I fully believe that they will be able to succeed, regardless of all difficulties--even if there has been adultery.
Best wishes to you,
Doug Showalter