Posted by Doug Showalter on August 11, 1998 at 23:16:51:
In Reply to: When is it adultry? posted by Eddie Ann on August 09, 1998 at 13:02:06:
Dear Eddie Ann,
According to my dictionary, adultery involves sexual intercourse. Nonetheless, it is clear that you and your trust of your husband have been greatly shaken by the event you describe. I am sorry for your pain.
You want your husband to explain why he did what he did. In fact, he may not fully know himself. He likely, however, feels--at least for the time being--that he has some personal needs which are not being met in his life. Perhaps he is going through what has sometimes been described as a "mid-life crisis"--which is not necessarily a reflection on you personally, but is, perhaps, an indication that his life is changing and that your relationship together is no longer as fulfilling as it once was [or could be again in the future].
What to do? I think of the old saying about seeing the glass half full or half empty.
My approach would be to see the glass half full. Both of you could consider this experience a "wake up call," which will lead you to re-examine your relationship together and to conscientiously take the steps necessary to enhance your love and respect for each other, and to make your relationship better. In the long run, you may find that this experience [as painful as it is now, particularly for you--though I gather your husband has his pain too] was a real turning point for the better in your relationship.
After 24 years of marriage, it is possible, even in subtle ways, for two people to take each other and the well-being of their relationship together for granted. But that is not healthy, and it is not really nurturing or fulfilling for either person.
What to do? I would strongly encourage you both to seek professional counseling, for the purpose of finding ways to renew and strengthen your relationship together--as well as for the purpose of seeking greater insight into each of your individual lives. Personal examination, growth, and change can be painful and threatening. But from your message, it seems that you both have everything to gain by seeing the glass half full, and by taking constructive steps which will make the next quarter century of your marriage a very meaningful and satisfying one for you both. I fully believe this is possible for a couple, if BOTH people are willing to work on it and make it a priority in their lives! However, in my experience, one person simply cannot do it alone.
Best wishes to you,
Doug Showalter