Posted by Doug Showalter on April 24, 1998 at 00:56:31:
In Reply to: Forgive & forget Him and Her posted by Jane on April 23, 1998 at 19:03:52:
Dear Jane,
My view is that you would be better off NOT sending the other woman a simple card and long note on her upcoming birthday. From what you say, you have a right to feel that she betrayed your friendship. But given the recent history of sending her dead roses, and the apparent turmoil that created, I think it would be much better if from this point on, you stop trying to recognize her birthday and other special days with cards, presents, etc.
It appears that the signals you are giving her are very mixed. This could well be a reflection of the confusion you have been and, apparently, still are feeling [and legitimately so] in dealing with the adultery. Nonetheless, because of these mixed signals, she may well mistrust your present motives in sending a card, or be bracing herself, wondering if she might yet get another box of dead roses.
At this point, I would encourage you to focus on the renewal of your relationship with your husband. Make that your top priority. Go to that marriage encounter weekend, and enjoy it. Work together on making it a meaningful experience, and a fresh start, for both of you.
At the same time, I would also encourage you to let go of the other woman, in your thinking and in your deeds. The past is past. It can't be changed. I think it is likely that you and this other woman will never be able to be real friends again. Too much has happened. You may need to work on accepting that likely reality.
In time to come, however, after you have worked out your relationship with your husband, and your raw feelings of pain have had more time to heal, perhaps you and this other woman may be able to find some degree of reconciliation with each another, at least to the point of being civil and respectful of each other--and not mistrustful, defensive, or angry.
In the future, you might well send her a letter like the one you have just written. But I would still encourage you not to send it in conjunction with a special day in her life. That confuses the issue unnecessarily.
This is what I think. I hope it is helpful. Good luck to you whatever you finally decide to do. I will keep you in my prayers.
Doug Showalter