Based on my doctoral work, I would guess that many Christians have not given this matter much thought. The understanding many people have, seems to go back to their Sunday School days. They have not really tested or evaluated their views in the crucible of their current, adult lives.
I invite you to give an initial response [on a piece of paper?] to the following eight questions on Christian forgiving. Use any of the following responses:
Strongly Agree.......Agree.......Agree & Disagree.......Disagree.......Strongly Disagree.......Don't Know
Once you've completed that, use the hypertext links to see my responses. You may well disagree with me. But, perhaps, my answers will stimulate your thinking.
1. A Christian should always try to forgive and forget. My Response
2. A Christian should forgive even if the person who hurt them does not repent. My Response
3. A Christian should always be willing to be reunited with the person he/she forgives, as if the injury never happened. My Response
4. A Christian should try to forgive others quickly and completely. My Response
Strongly Agree.......Agree.......Agree & Disagree.......Disagree.......Strongly Disagree.......Don't Know
5. A Christian should abandon all ill will toward the person they forgive. My Response
6. A Christian should never hate those who wrong them. My Response
7. Over time, a Christian's forgiveness of another will usually come about by itself. My Response
8. To forgive completely, a Christian should try to make everything go back to the way it was before the injury. My Response
MY PERSONAL RESPONSES
1. A Christian should always try to forgive and forget.
I DISAGREE
I feel it is important, for the sake of healing, to remember a serious injury. It is important to be clear as to the exact nature of our injury and who was responsible. Trying to pretend an injury didn't happen or that it didn't really matter to us, when it did, is only denying our true feelings. By remembering, we face the injury, and can eventually decide we want to forgive.
If we try not to remember, then we only bury the effect of the injury on us, such that we cannot truly resolve it and forgive the one who did it. In that way, the injury is not healed. Rather, it is like an infected wound which is closed prematurely.
I also believe it is important to remember, so we can learn from our injuries, and try to protect ourselves and others from being injured in the same way again. Consider this example:
A friend has been drinking. Foolishly we get into the car with him, and he has an accident in which we are hurt. We eventually forgive our friend for his share of the responsibility in the accident. Another day comes when our friend is drinking again. He insists that we get in the car with him. Remembering our past injury, we refuse. But because we have not forgotten, our friend insists that we have not truly forgiven at all. In fact, we have forgiven. But, we have also learned from our painful past experience, and choose not to repeat it.
This whole question may be a moot one. I say that because, very likely, it's not even humanly possible to forget a serious injury. One can try to repress a memory, but that's not healthy. "Forgive and forget" is an Old English proverb which dates back at least to the 14thcentury. But as a general rule, I don't think it is good advice.
After the healing of forgiveness has taken place, we can remember that our injury did occur. After all, it is a part of our personal history. But in remembering, all the painful feelings we once associated with that memory do not come rushing back at us. The injury is truly left in the past. It no longer defines or has a grip on our lives in the present.
Here's an exception: Suppose one has forgiven an injury and experienced reconciliation with the
injurer--a process of two distinct stages. In such situations, it is not helpful to repeatedly bring our
remembrance of the injury into the relationship. Discretion and a willingness to let the past be the
past are called for, for the sake of the relationship--call this a type of "forgetting" if you will.
Return To Question 1
2. A Christian should forgive even if the person who hurt them does not repent.
I STRONGLY AGREE--
In our anger or pain, we may feel that we should withhold our forgiveness, until our injurer
repents. But consider this question from another angle. Making our forgiveness dependent on
another's repentance is not very helpful. It sets us up to be a victim, not just once, but twice! By
making our forgiveness so dependent, we hand considerable power over our lives, to the one who
injured us!
Hanging on to a grudge is like keeping a 
in our living room. It's a painful creature from the dead past which we choose to keep alive in the present. The truth is, it really is within our power to choose otherwise, and particularly with God's help!
Return To Question 2
3. A Christian should always be willing to be reunited with the person he/she forgives, as if the injury had never happened.
I STRONGLY DISAGREE--
In my view, forgiving takes one person. In forgiving, the forgiver opens the way, in him/herself, for the possibility of reconciliation with the injurer to take place.
Reconciliation takes two people--the forgiver and the injurer. For true reconciliation to take place, the injurer must usually accept responsibility for the injury and desire reconciliation. Reconciliation is foremost a matter of the heart: two people accept and relate to each other again in a spirit of peace, without malice.
I see being reunited as a step beyond reconciliation, which some, but not all, reconciled persons will chose to take. In being reunited, two people are both reconciled and willing to continue the closeness of their relationship, much as it was before it was broken by the injury.
Two examples which point up the difference: I can be reconciled with my friend who injured me.
However, I may also choose not to be as involved with that person again; we are cordial when we
happen to meet. I can be reconciled with my ex-spouse, but choose not to re-enter marriage or a
close relationship with my ex-spouse again.
Return To Question 3
4. A Christian should try to forgive others quickly and completely.
I STRONGLY DISAGREE--
I see true forgiveness as a process of inner healing. Thus, it cannot be rushed. We should be gentle with ourselves, and give ourselves time to deal with our injury in realistic and constructive ways--face it, analyze it, look for ways to rebuild any self-esteem which the injury took from us.
I feel it is important that we eventually come to the point where we make a conscious decision that we truly want to forgive the one who injured us--or, negatively, that we no longer want to carry our ill will.
Having made that decision, we then seek to walk with God, as long as it takes--years, if necessary--to receive fully God's divine gift of forgiveness, which brings inner healing. Our journey with God will usually include prayer, self-reflection, sharing our journey with others, and our strong desire to be freed from reliving the nightmares of our past injury.
One day, we likely will realize that we have received God's gift. We make the following
discoveries: We no longer bear ill will against the one who injured us. Our lives are no longer
defined by our injury. We are set free from the strong feelings of pain originally associated with
our injury. In short, we have forgiven!
Return To Question 4
5. A Christian should abandon all ill will toward the person they forgive.
I STRONGLY AGREE--
To me, this is part of the definition of what forgiveness is. When we discover that our ill will is
gone, then we know that we have truly forgiven. I would add, however, that there can be different
levels of pain and ill will within us. We can sincerely believe that we have forgiven, because we
have found an inner spirit of peace. But then, sometime later, we can discover other levels within
ourselves--concerning the person who hurt us--which also need healing. This does not negate our
original forgiving, but shows us that there is more to be done within us.
Return To Question 5
6. A Christian should never hate those who wrong them.
I DISAGREE--
Of course, Jesus taught us that we should love other people, even our enemies! That is the ideal
for Christians to strive for. The reality of life is that when we are seriously injured, we may well
have feelings of hatred toward the person who hurt us. Rather than try to repress those negative
feelings or wallow in guilt because of them, I think it is better to admit their existence. Then we
can strive to resolve them and move beyond them, in realistic and constructive ways, through
forgiveness.
Return To Question 6
7. Over time, a Christian's forgiveness of another will usually come about by itself.
I STRONGLY DISAGREE--
I believe that forgiveness requires an initial decision that one wants to forgive. Without our wanting
to forgive--whether verbally expressed or not--I don't believe our forgiving happens. The journey
of Christian forgiving begins as a choice. It ends as a gift of God's grace.
Return To Question 7
8. To forgive completely, a Christian should try to make everything go back to the way it was before the injury.
I STRONGLY DISAGREE--
Even if this were possible, which it is not, it may not always be desirable. A woman may forgive a boyfriend for physically abusing her--assuming the abuse has stopped and she is safe. However, she may also choose not to be reunited with him. [See above, my response to Question 3.]
No one, not even God, can turn back the clock. What we can do--with God's help, of course--is
seek to forgive, so that our present and our future can be redeemed from the bondage and pain of
the past.
Return To Question 8
Return to Table of Contents
