Posted by Doug Showalter on November 12, 1998 at 08:35:25:
In Reply to: confronting posted by ann on October 30, 1998 at 09:26:47:
Dear Ann,
You say it has been about two years, and that you and your husband are doing well now. That's good news for you both--worth celebrating! In reference to one of the messages you received on this message board, I would add: don't let anyone else undermine--by raising doubts--what the two of you have now been able to accomplish.
In response to your question: I would encourage you to focus on your marriage, your family, and particularly on building up your own self-esteem, so that you feel better about yourself--and not so vulnerable to or threatened by this younger woman.
Confronting this other person now, might cause more damage than it brings healing to anyone. It would be a risk, which you may not really need to take.
Also, I think it is good to remember these things:
1. The person who primarily broke your trust was your husband. He is the person who made the marital commitments to you. Don't fall into the trap of assigning all or most of the blame to the other person.
2. Also, this breaking of trust did not, as you seem to say, include any form of sex. Thus, it would not be categorized as adultery. And I personally, would not even refer to it as an "affair," as for many people that word implies that some form of sex was involved.
You've endured "a close call," but now, with God's help, and working together with your husband, you have a real chance, possibly even to make your marriage better than it was before. I would say, "go for it," and don't let yourselves get side-tracked by other issues which may ultimately cause you and those you love more pain.
This is what I think. I hope it is helpful.
Best wishes,
Doug Showalter