Posted by Doug Showalter on October 13, 1998 at 17:11:45:
In Reply to: daughters have disowned me posted by despondent on October 07, 1998 at 09:12:48:
Dear despondent,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. When relationships are strained or broken in a family, it can be so difficult for grandparents, because [ultimately] grandparents have so little control over the extent of their relationships with their grandchildren.
Of course, I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible between yourself and the other members of your family. Perhaps, in time, there will be healing, and increased opportunities for you to be with your grandchildren.
Also, know this in your heart: that even though contact with your grandchildren has been taken away from you at present, no one can EVER take away the basic fact that you are--and always will be--their grandfather. That fact is forever. No one can change that.
As your grandchildren grow up--and you keep the lines of communication open from your end--they may well seek you out, to get to know you better. At that point, they will be able to ascertain for themselves what is true and not true about you, relative to what they have been told or heard from other family members.
In the present, you can do what you can to provide for them: letters, birthday presents, etc. However, if even these things are rejected, then you might keep copies of the letters you send them and set up a special fund to hold the equivalent of what the birthday presents turned back to you cost etc., so that you can give these things to your grandchildren at the time in the future, when you do have access to them.
By doing this, you show that you made a "good faith" effort on your part to be a part of their lives as they grew up, but that others who had more authority over the situation than you do, kept you from them.
You have pain now. I'm sorry for that, and don't have an easy solution for it. But perhaps you can take some comfort in knowing that in the future, your situation may well change.
Best wishes,
Doug Showalter