Posted by Doug Showalter on January 29, 1998 at 19:36:24:
In Reply to: forgiveness posted by Gerry=Kay on January 23, 1998 at 20:06:15:
Dear Gerry=Kay,
Frankly, I think kindness and love are always the best policy. I would try not to let the remembrance of something a person did several years ago dampen or undermine any spontaneous feelings of generosity and caring I have toward that person in the present--particularly if that person is now in a time of need. No matter what another person has done, my kindness and love will speak for themselves. They set a positive example of what life in our world can be like. They also speak very loudly about the kind of person I am!
How does one find healing for one's hurts?
1. Of course, one approach is to seek, with God's help, to resolve that hurt within yourself. But, as you say in your message, that hasn't really happened for you yet--you pray, but there are "still stains" on your heart concerning it. Realize that such healing may take more time.
An additional thing which can be done in this approach is to talk with trusted friends and/or a skilled counselor about your feelings. Expressing the truth about your pain (instead of minimizing it or pretending it doesn't exist) and sharing it with other people you can trust, can often be a step in the direction of healing.
2. Another approach is to take the risk of discussing your pain directly with the person you feel hurt you. This is a risk, because you have no control over how that other person will respond to your true feelings. That other person could respond by rejecting you, in which case, you could lose whatever level of friendship you have with that person now.
Or, and this is the magic of human relationships sometimes, that other person could respond to you in ways which allow both of you to build a stronger and more sensitive friendship. Your treating this other person with love and kindness in her time of need now, might also incline her to see her relationship to you in a new light. She might be inclined to trust you more and be more sensitive to your personal feelings. Also, because she is presently experiencing the loss of a loved one herself, she might be in a better position now to understand the feelings you had several years ago, at the time of your loss. Of course, there is no guarantee that these things will happen.
If you choose to take the risk of this second approach, and that's a decision only you can make, I would encourage the following:
A. Use a lot of "I" statements in your discussions with this other person. Instead of accusing this other person of things you think she did, say instead how the things which happened made you feel. For example, instead of saying "You did x, y, and z!!" say, "When such-and-such happened, I felt very uncared for...very misunderstood...very sad [or whatever]."
B. Go slow. Don't feel that you have to air or resolve all your hurts in one discussion.
C. Realize that neither she nor you is perfect. Realize that most stories have two different sides, and that you might not have all the information about her side at the moment. Also, ask yourself if there is any way in which you contributed, even unwittingly, to your hurt. If so, be up front with yourself and with this other person about that.
D. Throughout your discussions, affirm to this other person that you really want to have a good relationship with her. That's why you're making the effort to talk with her about these things which really matter to you.
To answer your other question: There is no charge for my web site. I make no money from it. If you are accessing my web site through a server, it is likely that you are being charged, in one way or another, for the time you are on the Internet.
I hope things work out well for you.
Doug Showalter