Posted by Doug Showalter on September 09, 1998 at 16:09:47:
In Reply to: What is adultury posted by Sue on September 06, 1998 at 09:27:11:
Dear Sue,
Here are my thoughts. I hope they are helpful.
I believe that sex is a very healthy, and often very important part of a marriage relationship. I believe that virtually all people have sexual fantasies, whether they choose to admit it or not. Sometimes, marriage partners share their personal fantasies with each other, to enhance their sexual relationship. Beyond this, individuals sometimes engage in compulsive or obsessive behaviors connected with their fantasies, which are not considered healthy.
I recognize that different individuals and different couples can have different views as to what is acceptable sexual behavior within their marriage. Obviously, if partners disagree on this greatly, it can be a problem for their relationship.
If one or both partners are caught up in compulsive behavior, or if partners cannot resolve their different views as to what is acceptable, then I definitely would recommend that they seek counseling together, from a professional sex therapist. Yes, there is such a specialty in the field of counseling.
In my view, a marriage partner crosses a line that shouldn't be crossed, if he/she directly involves another live person [other than his/her spouse] in his/her sexual life--whether by telephone, chat rooms, or having an affair, etc. In all such situations, I believe that trust is broken with one's marriage partner.
To answer your question: Yes, I would encourage you to forgive your husband. This situation has revealed that your communication with each about the sexual side of your relationship together has not been as open as you have assumed.
I would encourage you both: (a.) to open up your communication about this aspect of your lives, (b.) to try to develop insight into why your husband felt inclined to "cross the line," and (c.) to try to avoid blaming each other as much as possible...instead, resolve to work together constructively on this serious concern in your relationship.
If you don't work on this problem openly, constructively, and with mutual sensitivity, then quite possibly it will "go underground" and become an unresolved, corrosive aspect of your relationship together--thereby, increasing the pain which is already being felt.
Also, I would say that if your husband doesn't stop involving other live women in his sex life [i.e. by phone], it likely will not be possible for you both to work on this problem constructively. And likely you will not be able to resolve it. That's my guess. If your husband doesn't seem to be able to control this, then certainly I think professional counseling would be indicated--for the well being of you both and of your relationship together.
++++++++++
You mention masturbation. Here's some biblical background which may be helpful. Masturbation was considered a serious sin in Old Testament days. You may recall that Onan is said to have died because he "spilled his semen on the ground."[Genesis 38:8-10] [I might add, parenthetically, that I do not believe that God kills anyone.]
Onanism is another name for masturbation.The early Hebrews considered this a great sin, because they believed that the life force or creative power of procreation was in a man's semen--alone. By contrast, they believed that a woman's womb was only the receptacle for this life force provided by a man. Therefore, they considered spilling one's semen on the ground [or wasting it in masturbation] as about the same as killing.
Of course, we moderns have a much different view of human conception. We know scientifically that both a sperm from a man and an egg from a woman are required for conception, thus both are important as co-creators. Semen by itself alone does not carry the life force. Thus, for this reason and others, our modern perspectives on masturbation have tended to be much less harsh, than the traditional Old Testament-based views which have been handed down to us.
Best wishes,
Doug Showalter