Posted by Matthew on September 09, 1998 at 10:27:23:
My wife, Laila Lyn whom posted earlier, and I have been
married for five and a half years. We have known each
other for over 14 years, since the eighth grade. Two
and a half years ago I cheated on my wife. I had a two
week affair. I just confessed to my wife four months
ago. She was pregnant, so I know that the timing was
bad, but she made me feel like she would understand.
She didn't, because I helped to fullfil her worst
nightmares. She was prepared for a one night stand
with a nameless and faceless person. Instead, I was
with someone that she disliked and that she had warned
me about. At the time, I thought I was strong enough to
handle the situation. I wasn't. I can not make any
excuses. Any attempt would just be lame justifications.
Currently, my wife has no desire to forgive me. There
are three things that she can not forgive. She can not
forgive the fact that I lied to her for two years. I
lied during my initial confession by not telling the
whole story all at once, so she has no reason to
believe a word I say. Second is the fact that one of
the incidences was in our home when my wife was there
in another room. The third is that all of this happened
when she was or just before she was pregnant with our
first child. This means that I risked the health and
life of our unborn son, because no form of protection
can provide 100% protection from STDs.
I fully acknowledge that these are horrible things. I
am paying a dire price for them. I am sorry beyond
When I look back at that time, I see that I was a cruel
and selfish person. Now, I can not imagine myself ever
being like that. I am doing the 3 R's to the best of my
ability. I accept full responsibility for my actions.
I was sick of living with the guilt. Now, I am working
hard to be the man that I always should have been. I
designed a web site as a public apology to my wife. I
hope that it will help keep others from making the
same mistakes that I had. The URL is
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/3397. I would
appreciate any feedback that any of you might have.
My wife fully acknowledges that I am doing the 3 R's,
she says that she knows that this won't happen again,
and she admits that I am doing everything that I can.
Dispite all of this, she still wants a divorce. She
admits that she has no intention of forgiving me. She
strongly believes that somethings are unforgivable. So,
if she forgives me she believes that she would be
compromising her principles. Because of this, she has
no desire to go to counseling since she believes that
there is nothing left to save.
We both agree that relationships are based on respect.
I do not claim that I deserve any. I am just doing my
best to earn it back. In her eyes, I can never be
I know that all of this may be part of the price that I
will pay for my crime, but that does not make it any
easier. If things do not change between us soon, I will
lose my 3 week-old son, my 19 month old son, and the
love of my life. Because of my profession, all of this
may destroy my career as well.
I can not say that I deserve forgiveness, I just hope
that I can earn it. I will do anything to get her back
and keep my family together. I know that I should have
thought of all of this two years ago. Unfortunately, I
can't turn back the clock. I can only deal with the
here and now. At times, the thought of me losing every-
thing is too much to handle. I do not deserve my
family, but I hope that I can get them back.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.