Posted by Doug Showalter on September 03, 1998 at 20:30:57:
In Reply to: help mee!!!!! posted by liz on August 31, 1998 at 16:33:15:
Dear Liz,
I would strongly encourage you to take your time. If you have set an upcoming wedding date, postpone it indefinitely--until you can sort things out.
Based on your stated willingness to forgive your fiance, I would encourage you both to seek professional counseling together--to explore what possible ramifications this incident [and whatever underlies it] might have for your marriage--(i.e. was it truly just an isolated incident/mistake, or possibly a pattern which will be repeated after marriage?). If your fiance rejects counseling, than this in itself may tell you something. On the other hand--depending on your situation--counseling could also strengthen and deepen your relationship as you prepare for a meaningful marriage.
In any case, be gentle with yourself. Don't feel that you have to rush. Give yourself all the time you need. Regardless of what anyone else says, you don't have to rush a decision which could affect the rest of your life. No doubt you've heard the old expression: "Marry in haste, repent at leisure."
Also, be careful about possibly scapegoating your female friend, and at the same time not holding your fiance responsible for his actions. Ultimately, BOTH are responsible for their own individual actions.
If you can forgive your fiance, then, perhaps, you will also be able to forgive your friend. But forgiving your fiance and your friend, does not necessarily mean that you will also continue your engagement to marriage or your friendship with her--though again, you might do so, in either or both cases.
In my view, forgiving is one thing. Restoration of relationships is another thing, which may or may not take place--depending on the circumstances--after the forgiving has taken place.
What do I mean by scapegoating? When two people are involved in an act which hurts us, it's tempting to overlook the responsibility of the person close to us, but then heap a double measure of blame on the other person who is not so close to us. I mention this caution so that you are fair to the people involved, and realistic in evaluating the nature of the harm which has been done to you. Being clear as to who was really responsible for exactly what, should be helpful in your process of healing and moving beyond this painful experience--whatever your ultimate conclusions are.
I wish you the best. I would encourage you to read through other messages on this web site. A number of them deal with issues similar to yours--though most of them are about betrayals within the context of marriage. Some of the issues are the same, though you are fortunate. Being single, some of your choices may be somewhat easier [i.e. children are not involved, etc.].
I hope this is helpful.
Doug Showalter