Posted by Doug Showalter on August 27, 1998 at 00:56:20:
In Reply to: Self worth and infidelity posted by Theresa on August 26, 1998 at 14:34:40:
Dear Theresa,
Reading your post, I sense that you have a number of positive things that are in your favor. For example:
--Your marriage has held up [apparently well] over the past 7 years since the affair took place [albeit, even though you were unaware of the affair].
--The affair was ended, and there was no repeat of such betrayal.
--Your husband accepts responsibility for his actions and is penitent.
--You are now participating in counseling together.
I would encourage you to focus on these positive things. In fact, many betrayed spouses do not have such positive indicators to give them hope for rebuilding their marriages.
Also, I would encourage you to give yourself time and be gentle with yourself, realizing that you likely are still grieving the death of your long-held [idealistic] images of your marriage with your husband. The working through of such grief may take many months. I hope your husband is sensitive to you in realizing your need to do this. It's possible that some of his grieving over this loss [and perhaps also, some of his grieving over having betrayed your trust in him] may have taken place years ago. Sensitivity to the other, can bridge any difference in your respective "time tables" for dealing with these concerns.
Also, as you pass through this difficult time, I would encourage you always to believe that it will be possible for you and your husband--if you are committed to each other and truly work on your relationship together--to rekindle your love for one another and rebuild your marriage on a strong foundation. In principle, I fully believe that such a positive outcome is possible for couples.
Yes, it can be frightening to think that one cannot single-handedly control one's marriage relationship. But I think that is the reality of our lives. We can't really control our spouses--even though we sometimes think we can. None of us can guarantee, by anything that we do, that our spouses won't stray. BUT, what we can do and control is our coming to the point where we take the risk of trusting our spouses to be faithful. And although that is a risk, it's a risk which can be very much worth our taking.
You raise a very important issue--self-esteem. In fact, I think it is an issue which very often goes a great deal deeper than just our marriage relationships. As I read your message, I felt as though I wanted to ask you this key question: "Where does your self-esteem really come from?" When you were growing up, were you taught that your self-esteem must come from the approval of others? Or, were you taught that your self-esteem comes from within yourself, as you recognize and appreciate: the dignity of your own humanness, the God-given uniqueness of your own individuality, and the fact that you are loved by God, just because you are you?
Your message seems to imply that your self-esteem is very much wrapped up in how your husband happens to view you or treat you. While his view and treatment of you are important to you, I would encourage you to look much deeper for the source of your self-esteem. Look to the inherent value of your own life; look to your faith and to God. Those are unshakeable rocks which are truly worth building one's sense of self-worth on.
It may take a good deal of time for you to fully trust your husband again. But in the present, I would encourage you to go with whatever small bits of trust you have in him. Your trust can grow over time, as you experience inner healing for your pain, and as you gain some distance and perspective on this milestone in your marriage together. Though not an easy milestone to get by, it may--in years to come, as you look back upon it--ultimately be the one which was responsible for bringing new life and a true deepening of love into your relationship together.
Death and resurrection, that's what our Christian faith is all about. I also think it is what our lives, as Christians, can be [and often are] about.
A final comment: I certainly would encourage you to continue your counseling. In addition to other concerns, you might also want to focus on self-esteem issues.
Best wishes, and I hope this is helpful,
Doug Showalter