Posted by Doug Showalter on December 24, 1997 at 18:55:47:
In Reply to: Adultry, how can I forgive when I cant forget? posted by Chuck on December 23, 1997 at 06:53:52:
Dear Chuck,
I hope you will be able to find some enjoyment in the holidays. Be kind to yourself. In the midst of all the busyness, take time to do things you really enjoy. As Rev. Teel notes, there are key factors in your situation which you have not mentioned. Nonetheless, your message prompts some thoughts I will share, in case they are helpful:
1. Realize that the holiday season may be temporarily magnifying your negative feelings and sense of lose. You may be contrasting your feelings to the light-hearted merriment you see or expect in others around you. In our culture, no one is supposed to have negative feelings at Christmas time- -likely this goes double for us Christian clergy. But the flesh-and-blood reality is that many people do have such negative feelings. I myself lost a younger brother on a Christmas Eve, which causes me to feel some sadness at this time of year. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, without also feeling guilty about having those feelings. I imagine the holy family itself had their share of negative feelings, when their Christmas bliss suddenly turned into a desperate flight to Egypt to escape Herod's treachery. At any rate, none of us is alone in this.
2. Realize that forgetting is not a requirement for forgiving. None of us can turn back the clock. It's probably humanly impossible for anyone to completely forget a serious betrayal. The best we can do, over time and with God's help, is to make peace with our memory. We still remember the event itself. But in remembering, the feelings of pain associated with that memory, no longer come rushing back at us. Of course, this takes time and involves the kind of inner spiritual healing, which I believe can come with a personal journey of forgiving--as noted in my web site.
3. Realize that likely you are now experiencing a fundamental crisis in your system of life values. The betrayal has likely undermined your sense of your self, your marriage, trusting another person, fairness, the church, God, your ministry, etc. Once dashed, the ideals you have built up over a life-time, are not quickly rebuilt. But have faith, that you will rebuild them, with God's help.
A key issue here is self-esteem. You have suffered a great loss at the hand of another. Sometimes, it's necessary to build one's self-esteem back up, before one is really able to forgive or be truly reconciled with the other. Consider the Joseph who was thrown into a pit by this brothers. Later, when his life had been built back up [he became an officer for Pharaoh], he was able to forgive his brothers. Ask yourself, what kinds of things you can do to restore any lost self-esteem? go back to school, begin a special project? You have a brand new year of opportunities ahead of you.
Your system of life values will likely have a new shape when you rebuild them. Perhaps that new shape will be more realistic than perfectionistic, and more gentle and compassionate [as I believe Jesus was] in dealing with human shortcomings--both the shortcomings of others and your own.
4. It's probably hard to think of it now, but realize that God will eventually redeem some good out of your present pain, if you will let that happen. I firmly believe this is possible. Ironically, it is by our wounds, that our lives are often deepened, and we are given gifts with which to better serve God and minister to others. I am not suggesting here, that God is in any way responsible for your pain. I am saying, however, that God can rescue something good out of it.
As I look back over my life, I realize that it was often the crises and suffering which ultimately made me a better person. The crises were often opportunities for me to make positive changes in my life. Each of us has this choice: we can let our pains embitter us, or we can open ourselves to God rescuing something new and good out of them, for us and for others. This is the long view, which is probably hard for you to see now, but it definitely is a cause for hope.
5. I would encourage you to be intentional about setting out on a personal journey of forgiveness, recognizing that the journey may take time, but that it can be a relief just to know that you are on such a journey. I would also encourage you to seek out someone you can confide in face-to-face, to give you some help, or even just to listen, as you make that journey. Seek out someone who is mature, wise, basically non-judgmental--someone you feel you can trust implicitly. Clergy often feel very isolated with their problems, but it doesn't have to be, if they reach out wisely. You could, as some clergy do today, consider this other person to be your "spiritual director."
6. If you feel the situation warrants it, I would also encourage you to be intentional about setting out on a journey of reconciliation with your wife. Of course, this likely will not be successful if one of you does not want to be reconciled, or if the affair is still continuing. I fully believe that it is possible to start a marriage over again. Take time to grieve the death of the old marriage. But then, with God's help, you both can set out to learn from mistakes in the past, and to move forward, brick-by-brick if necessary, in efforts to rebuild your relationship and your trust.
Be intentional about your relationship. First work upon becoming good friends again, and having fun times together. Don't expect too much too fast. Try to be sensitive to each another. Give each other the emotional space that is needed. Don't be afraid of momentary set-backs.
Have hope and patience. I just recently conducted a marriage service for a couple who divorced, but then found each other again after a number of years. Part of the Christmas good news [Isaiah 11] is that God's Spirit can cause a vigorous new shoot of life to grow out of even an old stump which looks completely dead. That was true of Jesus' lineage. I really believe it can also be true with our relationships. Lo, how a rose e'er bloomin'--even in the midst of winter's icy grip!
7. Whatever your situation, I also encourage you to seek professional counseling, for yourselves as a couple, or even just for yourself alone. You may want to address issues in your relationship which were present prior to the adultery. You may also want to look at self-esteem issues, etc. There should be no shame or stigma in clergy reaching out for help when they need it. We clergy can be very good at giving. But many of us also need to learn how to be good receivers too.
I hope these thoughts are of some help. I also will keep you in my prayers.
Doug